LITTLE  BLUE  BOOK  NO.    'J  f\  n 
Edited   by   E.   Hald«man-Juliu8    %J\J  £ 


A  Tillyloss  Scandal 

J.  M.  Barrie 


TEN  CENT  POCKET  SERIES  NO.  307 

Edited  by  E.  Haldeman- Julius 


A  Tiliyloss  Scandal 

J.  M.  Barrie 


HALDEMAN-JULIUS  COMPANY 
GIRARD,  KANSAS 


Digitized  by  the  Internet  Archive 

in  2012  with  funding  from 

University  of  North  Carolina  at  Chapel  Hill 


http://archive.org/details/tillylossscandalObarr 


I INIVERSITY  OF  N.C.  AT  CHAPEL  HILL 

vmsJ     llllilllllllPl 

(__      00014381901 

A  TILLYLOSS  SCANDAL 
CHAPTER  I. 

IN  WHICH  WE  APPROACH  HAGGART, 
HAT  IN  HAND. 

According  to  those  who  have  thought  the 
thing  over,  it  would  defy  the  face  of  clay  to 
set  forth  this  prodigious  affair  of  Tillyloss, 
the  upshot  of  which  was  that  Tammas  H-aggart 
became  a  humorist.  It  happened  so  far  back 
as  the  Long  Year,  so  called  by  reason  of  disease 
in  the  potato  crop;  and  doubtless  the  house, 
which  still  stands,  derides  romance  to  those 
who  cavil  at  an  outside  stair.  Furthermore, 
the  many  who  only  knew  Haggart  in  his  later 
years,  whether  personally  or  through  written 
matter  or  from  Thrums  folk  who  have  traveled, 
will  not  readily  admit  that  he  may  once  have 
been  an  every-day  man.  There  is  also  against 
me  the  vexing  practice  of  the  farmer  of  Look- 
aboutyou,  who  never  passes  Tillyloss,  if  there 
is  a  friend  of  mine  within  earshot,  without 
saying: 

"Gravestane  or  no  gravestane,  Tammas  Hag- 
gart would  have  been  a  humorist." 


4  A  TILLY.LOSS  SCANDAL 

Lookaboutyou  thus  implies  that  he  knew 
Haggart  for  a  man  of  parts  when  the  rest  of 
us  were  blind,  and  it  is  tantalizing  beyond 
ordinary  to  see  his  word  accepted  in  this  matter 
by  people  who  would  not  pay  him  for  a  drill 
of  potatoes  without  first  stepping  it  to  make 
sure  of  the  length. 

I  have  it  from  Tammas  Haggart  that  until 
the  extraordinary  incident  occurred  which  I 
propose  telling  as  he  dropped  it  into  my  mouth, 
he  was  such  a  man  as  myself.  True,  he  was 
occasionally  persuaded  by  persons  of  Look- 
aboutyou's  stamp  to  gloss  over  this  admission, 
as  incredible  on  the  face  of  it,  but  that  was  in 
his  last  years,  when  he  had  become  something 
of  a  show,  and  was  in  a  puzzle  about  himself. 
Of  the  several  reasons  he  gave  me  in  proof  of 
a  non-humorous  period  in  his  life  the  follow- 
ing seem   worthy  of   especial  attention:  — 

First,  that  for  some  years  after  his  mar- 
riage he  had  never  thought  of  himself  as  more 
nicely  put  together  than  other  men.  He  could 
not  say  for  certain  whether  he  had  ever  thought 
of  himself  at  all,  his  loom  taking  up  so  much 
of  his  time. 

Second,  that  Chirsty  was  able  to  aggravate 
him  by  saying  that  if  which  was  which  she 
would  have  married  James  Pitbladdo. 


A  TILLYLOSS  SCANDAL  5 

Third,  that  he  was  held,  of  little  account  by 
the  neighbors,  who  spoke  of  his  living  "above 
Lunan's  shoppy,"  but  never  localized  the  shop 
as  "below  Haggart's  house." 

Fourth,  that  while  on  his  wanderings  he  ex- 
perienced certain  novel  and  singular  sensations 
in  his  inside,  which  were  probably  his  humor 
trying  to  force  a  passage. 

Fifth,  that  in  the  great  scene  which  ended 
his  wanderings,  his  humor  burst  its  banks  like 
a  dam,  and  had  flowed  in  burns  ever  since. 

During  nearly  forty  years  we  contrived  now 
and  again  to  harness  Tammas  to  his  story,  but 
often  he  would  stop  at  the  difficulty  of  re- 
alizing the  man  he  must  have  been  in  his  pre- 
humorous  days,  and  remark,  in  his  sarcastic 
way,  that  the  one  Haggart  could  not  fathom 
the  other.  Thus  our  questionings  sometimes 
ended  in  silence,  when  we  all  looked  in  trouble 
at  the  fire  and  then  went  home.  As  for  start- 
ing him  on  the  story  when  he  was  not  in  the 
vein,  it  was  like  breasting  the  brae  against  a 
high  wind. 

When  the  events  happened  I  was  only  a  lad. 
I  cannot  send  my  mind  back  to  the  time  when 
I  could  pass  Haggart  without  the  side-glance 
nearly   all   Thrums   offered   to   his   reputation, 


6  A  TIULYIiOSS  SCANDAL 

and  he  is  best  pictured  hunkering  at  Tillyloss, 
one  of  the  row  of  his  admirers.  After  eight 
o'clock  it  was  the  pleasant  custom  of  the 
weavers  to  sit  in  the  open  against  a  house  or 
dyke,  their  knees  near  their  chins  and  their 
ears  ready  for  Haggart.  Then  his  face  would 
be  contracted  in  pain  as  some  strange  idea 
bothered  him  and  he  searched  for  its  humor- 
ous aspect.  Perhaps  ten  minutes  afterwards 
his  face  would  expand,  he  would  slap  his  knees, 
and  we  knew  that  the  struggle  was  over.  It 
was  one  of  his  ways,  disliked  at  the  time,  yet 
admired  on  reflection,  not  to  take  us  into  the 
secret  of  his  laughter;  but  he  usually  ended  by 
looking  whimsically  in  the  direction  of  the 
burying-ground,  when  we  were  perfectly  aware 
of  the  source  of  the  joke,  and  those  of  us 
nudged  each  other  who  were  not  scared.  Until 
the  spell  was  broken  we  might  sit  thus  for  the 
space  of  a  quarter  of  an  hour,  none  speaking, 
yet  in  the  completest  sympathy,  because  we 
were  all  thinking  of  the  same  thing,  and  that  a 
gravestone.  ,    , 

Tillyloss  is  three  broken  rows  of  houses  in 
the  east  end  of  Thrums,  with  gardens  between 
them,  nearly  every  one  of  which  used  to  con- 
tain a  pig-sty.  There  are  other  ways  of  getting 
into   the  gardens   than  by   windows,   for  those 


A  TILLYLOSS  SCANDAL  7 

who  are  sharp  at  knowing  a  gate  when  it  looks 
like  something  else.  Three  or  four  other 
houses  stand  in  odd  corners,  blocking  the  nar- 
row road,  which  dodges  through  Tillyloss  like 
a  hunted  animal.  Starting  from  the  west  end 
of  the  suburb,  as  Tillyloss  will  be  called  as 
soon  as  we  can  say  the  word  without  smirking, 
the  road  climbs  straight  from  the  highway  to 
the  uppermost  row,  where  it  runs  against  a 
two-story  house.  Here  we  leave  it  as  many  a 
curious  stranger  has  done,  to  get  out  of  Tilly- 
loss the  best  way  it  can,  for  that  two-storied 
house  is  where  Tammas  Haggart  lived,  up  the 
otherside  stair,  the  west  room. 

Tammas  flitted  to  the  Tenements  a  year 
after  he  became  a  humorist,  and  it  is  an  ex- 
traordinary tribute  to  his  memory  that  the  road 
from  the  pump  up  to  his  old  residence  in  Tilly- 
loss is  still  called  Haggart's  Roady.  Many  per- 
sons have  inhabited  his  room  since  he  left  it, 
but  though  the  younger  ones  hold  out  for  an 
individuality  of  their  own,  the  graybeards  still 
allow  that  it  is  Haggart's  house.  To  this  day 
Tillyloss  residents  asked  for  a  landmark  to 
their  dwellings  may  reply: 

"I'm   sax   houses   south   frae   Haggart's,"   or 
"Onybody   can  point   out   Haggart's  stair   to 


8  A    TILLY LOSS   SCANDAL 

you.     Ay,   weel,  gang  to  that,   and   then  come 
back  three  doors." 

The  entrance  to  Lunan's  shop  was  beneath 
Haggart's  stair,  which  provided  a  handy  retir- 
ing place  in  wet  weather.  Lunan's  personality 
had  the  enormous  advantage  of  a  start  of 
Tammas's,  as  has  been  seen,  yet  Haggart  has 
practically  swallowed  Lunan,  who  in  his  more 
crabbed  age  scowled  at  the  sightseers  that  came 
to  look  at  the  second  story  of  the  house  and 
ignored  the  shop.  As  boys  we  envied,  more 
than  learning,  the  companion  whose  father  kept 
a  shop,  and  I  remember  Lunan's  son  going  with 
his  fists  for  the  banker's  son  who — though  he 
never  really  believed  it — said  that  his  father 
could  have  a  shop  if  he  liked.  Yet  the  grand 
romance  of  Haggart  choked  the  fame  of  Lunan 
even  with  the  lads  who  played  dumps  at  Tilly- 
loss,  and  the  shop  came  to  be  localized  as  "be- 
neath Haggart's  stair."  Even  Lunan's  stout- 
ness, which  was  a  landmark  in  itself,  could  not 
save  him.  The  passage  between  his  counter 
and  the  wall  was  so  narrow  and  the  rest  of  his 
shop  so  full  of  goods  that  before  customers 
could  enter  Lunan  had  to  come  out,  but  in  this 
quandary  his  dignity  never  left  him.  He  al- 
ways declined  to  join  the  company  who  might 
be  listening  on   the  stair  to   Tammas's  adven- 


A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL  9 

tures,  but  some  say  he  was  not  above  heark- 
ening through  a  hole  in  one  of  the  steps. 

The  exact  date  of  Haggart's  departure  can- 
not be  determined,  though  it  was  certainly  in 
the  back  end  of  the  year  1834.  He  had  then 
been  married  to  Chirsty  a  little  short  of  three 
years.  His  age  would  be  something  beyond 
thirty,  but  he  never  knew  his  birthday,  and  I 
have  heard  him  say  that  one  of  the  few  things 
he  could  not  understand  was  how  the  relatives 
of  a  person  deceased  could  know  the  precise 
age  to  send  to  the  newspapers. 

What  is,  however,  known  for  certain  is  that 
Tammas's  adventures  began  within  a  week 
of  the  burial  of  old  Mr.  Yuill,  the  parish 
minister.  There  had  been  a  to-do  about  who 
should  preach  the  funeral  sermon,  two  minis- 
ters having  words  over  it,  and  all  Thrums 
knowing  that  Mr.  Yuill  had  left  seven  pounds 
to  the  preacher.  At  this  time  Haggart  did 
not  belong  to  the  Auld  Lichts,  nor  was  he 
even  regular  in  his  attendance  at  the  parish 
church,  but  the  dispute  about  the  funeral 
sermon  interested  him  greatly,  and  when  he 
heard  that  the  session  was  meeting  to  decide 
the  affair,  he  agreed  with  Chirsty  that  he 
might  do  worse  than  hang  around  the  door 
on    the    chance    of    getting   early    information. 


10  A  TILLYLOSS  SCANDAL 

There  was  a  small  crowd  at  the  door  on  the 
same  errand,  all  of  whom  noticed,  though  they 
little  thought  it  would  give  him  a  topic  to 
their  dying  day,  that  Haggart  had  on  his 
topcoat.  It  had  been  an  old  one  of  Mr. 
Yuill's,  presented  to  Tammas,  who  could  not 
fill  it,  but  refused  to  have  it  altered,  out  of 
respect  to  the  minister's  memory.  It  has  also 
been  fondly  recalled  of  Tammas  that  he  was 
only  shaven  on  the  one  side,  as  if  Chirsty  had 
sent  him  to  the  meeting  in  a  hurry,  and  that 
he  had  not  the  look  of  a  man  who  was  that 
very  night  to  enter  upon  experiences  which 
would  confound  the  world.     ■ 

"It  was  an  impressive  spectacle,"  Snecky 
Hobart  said  subsequently,  "to  see  Tammas 
discussing  the  burial  sermon,  just  as  keen  as 
me  and  T'nowhead,  and  then  to  think  that 
within  twenty-four  hours  the  very  ministers 
themselves  would  be  discussing  him." 

"He  said  to  me  it  had  been  a  dowie  day," 
T'nowhead  always  remembered. 

"He   shoved   me   when    he   was   crushing   in 
nearer  the  door,"  was  Hender  Robbie's   boast. 
"But  he  took  a  snuff  out  of  my  mull." 
"Maybe  he  did,  but  I  was  the  last  he  spoke 


A  TILLYLOSS  SCANDAL  11 

to.  He  said,  'Well,  Dan'l,  I'll  be  stepping  back 
to  Tilly.'  " 

"Ay,  but  I  passed  him  at  the  Tenements, 
and  he  says,  'Davit,'  he  says,  and  I  says, 
'Tammas.' " 

"Very  like;  but  I  was  carrying  a  ging  of 
water  frae  Susie  Linn's  pump,  and  Tammas 
said  would  I  give  him  a  drink,  the  which  I 
did." 

"Lads,  I'm  no  sure  but  what  I  noticed  a 
far-away  look  in  Tammas's  face,  as  if  there 
was  something  on  his  mind." 

"If  ye  did,  Jeames,  ye  kept  it  to  yourself." 

"Ay,  but  I  meant  to  mention  it  when  I  got 
hame." 

"How  did  ye  no,  then?" 

"How  does  a  body  no  do  many  a  thing?  I 
dinna  say  I  noticed  the  look,  but  just  that 
I'm  no  sure  but  what  I  noticed  it." 

So  we  all  did  our  best  to  recall  Haggart's 
last  words  and  looks  on  that  amazing  evening, 
even  the  Auld  Licht  minister,  who  cared  little 
for  popularity,  claiming  as  a  noticeable  thing 
to  have  walked  behind  Tammas  and  observed 
that  his  handkerchief  was  hanging  out  of  his 
north  pocket.  But  though  all  these  memories 
have  their  value  as  relics,  we  have  Tammas's 


12  A   TILLYLOSS    SCANDAL 

own  word  for  it  that  from  the  time  he  reached 
the  session  house  until  his  return  to  Tillyloss 
he  felt  much  as  usual. 

"Ay,"  he  would  say  in  his  impressive  way, 
"many  a  thing  may  happen  between  the  aucht 
and  the  ten-o'clock  bells,  but  I  told  neither 
T'nowhead  nor  Snecky  nor  none  of  them  as 
onything  was  to  happen  that  nicht." 

"Ye  did  not,  Tammas;  na,  na,  for  if  ye 
had  I  would  have  heard  ye,  me  being  there." 

"Ay,  but  ye  couldna  say  my  reason  for  no 
telling  ye?" 

"Na." 

"Weel,  then,  my  reason  was  just  this  that  I 
didna  ken  myself." 


A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL.  13 


CHAPTER  II. 

CONTAINING    THE    CIRCUMSTANCES    WHICH    LED 
TO  THE  DEPARTURE  OF  HAGGART. 

In  the  future  Haggarfs  mind  was  to  be- 
come a  book  in  which  he  could  turn  up  any 
page  wanted,  but  its  early  stage  was  a  ravel 
not  worth  harking  back  to  unless  for  pur- 
poses of  comparison.  He  could  never,  there- 
fore, when  questioned,  say  for  certain  that 
between  the  session  house  and  Tillyloss  he 
had  met  a  soul  except  the  Auld  Licht  minis- 
ter, to  see  whom  was  naturally  to  feel  him. 
At  the  foot  of  Tilly,  however,  he  was  taken 
aback  to  find  a  carriage  and  two  horses 
standing. 

The  sight  knocked  all  the  news  he  had 
heard  about  the  funeral  sermon  out  of  his 
head,  and  left  him  with  just  sufficient  sense  to 
put  his  back  to  the  wall  and  assume  the  appear- 
ance of  a  man  who  would  begin  to  think  direct- 
ly.    First  he  gazed  at  the  horses,  and  said, 

"Ay." 

Then  he  looked  less  carefully  at  the  coach- 
man. 


14  A  TIIiLYIiOSS   SCANDAL 

"Yes,"  he  said. 

Lastly,    he   gave   both    eyes    to   the    carriage, 
and    corroborated   his   previous    remarks    with, 
"Umpha." 

In  themselves  these  statements  suggest  little, 
though  they  really  left  Haggart  master  of  the 
situation.  The  first  was  his  own  answer  to 
the  question,  "Will  these  be  Balribbie's 
beasts?"  and  the  second  was  merely  a  stepping- 
stone  to  the  third,  which  was  a  short  way  of 
saying  that  the  ladies  had  called  on  Chirsty 
at  last. 

Tammas's  wife,  Chirsty,  had  been  a  servant 
at  Balribbie,  the  mistress  of  which  had  prom- 
ised, as  most  of  Thrums  was  aware,  to  call 
on  her  some  day. 

"Ye'll  be  none  the  better  though  she  does 
6all,"  Haggart  used  to  say,  to  which  Chirsty's 
inhuman  answer  was, 

"Maybe  no;  but  it'll  make  every  other  wom- 
an in  Tillyloss  miserable." 

Every  day  for  a  year  Chirsty  awaited  the 
coming  of  the  ladies,  after  which  it  was  the 
neighbors  who  spoke  of  the  promise:!  visit 
rather  than  herself.  But  evidently  the  ladies 
had  come  after  all,  and  the  question  for 
Tammas   was    whether    to   face   them    or    step 


A  TILLYLOSS  SCANDAL  15 

about  Tilly  until  they  had  driven  away.  It 
is  difficult,  no  doubt,  to  believe  that  there  ever 
was  a  time  when  Haggart  would  rather  have 
hidden  behind  a  dyke  than  converse  with  the 
gentry,  but  I  have  this  from  himself.  He, 
whose  greatest  topic  in  the  future  was  to  be, 
Women,  and  Why  we  should  Put  up  with 
Them,  however  Unreasonable,  could  not  think 
of  the  proper  thing  to  say  to  the  ladies  of 
Balribbie. 

"Losh,  losh,"  he  has  said,  when  casting  his 
mind  back  to  this  period,  "it's  hard  to  me  to 
believe  that  the  unhumorous  man  swithering 
at  the  foot  of  Tilly  that  nicht  was  really 
Tammas  Haggart,  and  no  just  somebody 
dressed  up  in  Tammas  Haggart's  image." 

If  it  was  hard  to  Tammas,  how  much  harder 
to  the  like  of  us. 

Witho  it  actually  deciding  to  show  tail, 
Tammas  continued  to  lean  heavily  against  the 
wall,  whore  he  was  not  conspicuous  to  two 
women  who  passed  a  little  later  with  baskets 
on  their  arms. 

"I  assure  ye  Chirsty's  landed,"  one  of  them 
said,   "for  she   has   her  grand   folk   after  all." 

"Ay,"  said  the  other,  "and  Tammas  is  no 
in,  so  she'll  no  need  to  explain  how  her  man's 


16      '  A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL 

so   lang   and   thin   by  what   he   was   when   she 
exhibited  him  at  Balribbie." 

"What  do  ye  mean,  ye  limmers?"  cried  Hag- 
gart,  stepping  into  sight.  "I  was  never  at 
Balribbie." 

They  slipped  past  him  giggling,  with  the 
parting  shots— 

"Chirsty    can   tell   ye   what   we   mean,"    and 
"And  so  can  Jeames  Pitbladdo." 

Haggart  probably  sent  his  under  lip  over 
the  upper  one,  for  that  was  his  way  when 
troubled.  He  was  aware  that  Chirsty  had 
very  nearly  married  Pitbladdo,  but  these  wom- 
en meant  something  else.  Without  knowing 
that  he  was  doing  so,  he  marched  straight  for 
his  house,  and  was  half-way  up  the  outside 
stair'  when  the  door  opened,  and  two  ladies, 
accompanied  by  Chirsty,  came  out.  Haggart 
did  not  even  know  what  they  were  like,  though 
he  was  to  become  such  an  authority  on  the 
female  face  and  figure.  He  stopped,  wanting 
the  courage  to  go  on  and  the  discourtesy  to 
turn  back.  So  he  merely  stood  politely  in 
their  way. 

Chirsty  gave  her  curls  an  angry  shake  as 
she  saw  him,  but  he  had  to  be  acknowledged. 

"This    is    himsel' "    she    said    with    the    con- 


A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL  17 

tempt   a   woman   naturally   feels   for   her   hus- 
baad. 

Yhus  cornered,  Tammas  opened  his  mouth 
wide,  to  have  his  photograph  taken,  as  it  were, 
by  the  two  ladies.    The  elder  smiled  and  said, 

"I  am  glad  to  make  your  acquaintance, 
James." 

Tammas  thinks  she  said  more,  but  could 
never  swear  to  it.  To  keep  up  with  her  quick 
way  of  speaking  was  a  race  for  him,  and  at 
the  word  "James"  he  stumbled,  as  against  a 
stone.    When  he  came  to  himself, 

"Thank  ye,  mem,"  he  said,  "but  my 
name " 

Here  Chirsty  gave  him  a  look  that  made  him 
lose  his  words. 

"Let  the  leddies  pass,  can  ye  no?"  she  ex- 
claimed. 

For  a  moment  Tammas  did  not  see  how  they 
could  pass,  unless  by  returning  to  the  house, 
when  ho  could  follow  them  and  so  get  rid  of 
himself.    Then  he  had  the  idea  of  descending. 

"A.t  the  same  time,"  he  said,  picking  up  the 
lost  words,  "my  name " 

"Dinna  argy  bargy  with  the  leddies,"  said 
Chirsty,    tripping   down   the   stair  like   a   lady 


IS  A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL 

herself,  but  not  hoisting  the  color  that  would 
at  that  moment  have  best  become  her. 

"You  must  come  out  to  Balribbie  again  and 
see  us,  James,"  the  elder  lady  remarked  by 
way  of  good-night. 

Tammas  turned  a  face  of  appeal  to  his  other 
visitor,  who  had  been  regarding  him  curiously. 

"Do  you  know,  James,"  she  said,  "I  would 
not  have  recognized  you  again?" 

"Very  like,"  answered  Tammas,  "for  ye  never 
saw  me." 

"Be  ashamed  of  yourself,  James,"  cried 
Chirsty,  shocked  to  hear  husband  of  hers  con- 
tradict a  lady. 

The  young  lady,  however,  only  smiled. 

"Oh,  James,"  she  said,  playfully,  "to  think 
you  have  forgotten  me,  and  I  poured  out  your 
tea  that  day  at  Balribbie  with  my  own  hand." 

In  his  after  years  Tammas,  tempted  to  this 
extent,  would  have  answered  in  some  gallant 
words  such  as  the  young  lady  could  have 
taken  away  with  her  in  the  carriage.  But 
that  night  he  was  only  an  ordinary  man. 

"I  never  set  foot  in  Bal "  he  was  reply 

ing,  when  Chirsty  interfered. 

"Well  he  minds  of  it,"  she  said,  audaciously, 


A   TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL  19 

"and  no  farther  back  than  Monday  he  says 
to  me,  'That  was  a  cup  of  tea/  he  says,  'as  I 
never  tasted  the  marrows  of/  " 

"Wuman!"  cried  Tammas. 

"See  to  the  house,  James,"  said  Chirsty, 
"and  I'll  go  as  far  as  the  carriage  with  the 
ladies." 

When  Chirsty  returned,  five  minutes  after- 
wards, her  husband  was  standing  where  she 
had  left  him. 

"My  nsune,  mem,"  he  was  saying  to  the 
stair,  "is  not  James,  but  Tammas,  and  it's 
gospel  I  tell  ye  when  I  say  I  was  never  at 
Balribbie  in  my  born  days." 

Chirsty  passed  him  without  a  word,  and 
went  into  the  house,  slamming  the  door.  Tam- 
mas and  his  tantrums  did  not  seriously  dis- 
turb her,  but  she  had  been  badly  used  on  her 
way  b?.ck  from  the  carriage.  While  helping 
the  ladies  to  their  seats  she  had  been  happily 
conscious  of  Kitty  Crabb  peeping  at  the  proud 
sight  from  the  back  of  the  doctor's  dyke,  and 
as  Kitty  was  the  most  celebrated  gossip  in 
Tillyloss,  Chirsty  thought  to  herself,  "It'll  be 
through  Tilly  before  bedtime." 

"Ay,  Kitty,"  she  said,  on  her  way  back,  look- 


20  A  TILLYLOSS  SCANDAL 

ing  over  the  dyke,  "that  was  the  Balribbie 
family  calling  on  me." 

Kitty,  however,  could  never  stand  Chirsty's 
airs,  and  saw  an  opportunity  of  humbling  her. 

"I  saw  nobody,"  she  answered. 

"They've  been  in  my  house  since  half  nine," 
cried  Chirsty,  anxiously,  "and  that  was  their 
carriage." 

'I  saw  no  carriage,"  said  Kitty,  cruelly. 

"I  saw  ye  gaping  at  it  ower  the  dyke," 
Chirsty  screamed,  "and  that's  it  ye  hear  driv- 
ing east  the  road." 

"I  hear  nothing,"  said  Kitty. 

"Katrine  Crabb,"  cried  Chirsty,  "think  shame 
of  yourself." 

"Na,  Chirsty,"  rejoined  Kitty,  "ye  needna 
blame  me  if  your  grand  folk  ignore  ye." 

So  Chirsty  entered  her  house  with  the  dread 
fear  that  no  one  would  give  her  the  satisfac- 
tion of  allowing  that  the  Balribbie  family  had 
crossed  its  threshold.  She  was  wringing  a 
duster,  as  if  it  were  Kitty  Crabb,  when  Tammas 
stamped  up  the  stair  in  no  mood  to  offer 
sympathy. 

He  kept  his  bonnet  on,  more  like  a  visitor 
than  a  man  in  his  own  house,  but  as  ha 
plumped  upon  a  stool  by  the  fire  he  flung  his 


A  TILLTLOSS   SCANDAL,  21 

feet  against  the  tongs   in   a  way  that  showed 
he  required  immediate  attention. 

"I'm  waiting,"  he  said,  after  a  pause. 
.    "Take    your    feet    off    the    fender,"    replied 
Chirsty. 

"Tell  me  my  name  immediately,"  requested 
Tammas. 

"That's  what's  troubling  ye?" 

"It  is  so.    What's  my  name?" 

"Sal,  whatever  it  is,  I  wish  it  wasna  mine." 

"Your  grand  folk  called  me  James." 

"So  I  noticed." 

"How  was  that?" 

"Ye  couldna  expect  the  like  of  them  to  ken 
the  ins  and  outs  of  your  name." 

"Nane  of  your  tricks,  wuman;  I  wasna  born 
on  a  Sabbath.  It  was  you  that  said  my  name 
was  Jeames;  ay,  and  what's  more,  ye  called  me 
Jeames  yoursel'." 

"Do  ye  think  I  was  to  contar  grand  folk 
like  the  Balribbie  family?" 

"Conter  here,  conter  there,  I  want  to  bot- 
tom this.     They  said  I  had  been  at  Balribbie." 

"Weel,  I  think  ye  micht  have  been  glad  to 
take  the  credit  of  that." 


22  A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL 

"It's  my  opinion,"  said  Tammas,  "that  ye've 
been  pretending  I  was  Jeames  Pitbladdo." 

"Ye  micht  have  been  proud  of  that,  too," 
retorted  Chirsty. 

"As  sure  as  death,"  said  Tammas,  "if  ye 
dinna  clear  this  up  I  gang  to  Balribbie  for  licht 
on't." 

"She  looked  me  in  the  face  at  that,"  Tam- 
mas used  to  say  as  he  told  the  story,  "and 
when  she  saw  the  michty  determination  in  it 
she  began  to  sing  small.  I  pointed  to  the 
place  whaur  I  wanted  her  to  stand,  and  I 
says,  'Now,  then,  I'm  waiting.' " 

"I  never  pretended  to  ye,"  said  Chirsty,  "but 
what  it  was  touch  and  go  my  no  marrying 
Jeames  Pitbladdo." 

Tammas  nodded. 

"The  leddies  at  Balribbie  thocht  it  was  him 
I  was  to  marry." 

"I  daursay." 

"They  dinna  ken  about  you  at  that  time." 

"They  dinna  seem  to  ken  about  me  yet." 

"Jeames  used  to  come  about  Balribbie  a  heap, 
and  they  saw  he  was  after  me,  and  Miss  Mary 
often  said  to  me  was  I  fond  of  him?  Ay,  and 
I  said  he  was  daft  about  me.     Then  he  spiered 


A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL  23 

me,   and   after   that  they   had   him  up   to   the 
house." 

"So,  so,  and  that  was  the  time  he  got  the 
tea?" 

"It  was  so,  and  then  I  gave  up  my  place, 
them  promising  to  come  and  visit  me  when  I 
was  settled." 

"Ay,  but  Jeames  creepit  off  after  all." 

"Weel  ye  ken  it  was  his  superstitiousness 
made  him  give  me  the  go-by." 

"I've  heard  versions  of  the  story  frae  folk 
in  the  toon,  but  I  didna  credit  them.  Ye  took 
guid  care  never  to  tell  me  about  it  yoursel'. 
Ye  said  to  me  it  was  you  that  wouldna  have 
him,  no  that  he  wouldna  take  you." 

"He  wanted  me,  but  he  was  always  a  super- 
stitious man,  Jeames  Pitbladdo.  He  was  never 
fonder  of  me  than  when  we  parted." 

"All  I  ken,"  said  Tammas,  "is  that  he 
wouldna  buy  the  ring  to  ye,  and  that  must 
either  have  been  because  he  didna  want  ye 
when  it  came  to  the  point,  or  because  he  was 
a  michty  greedy  crittur." 

"He's  no  greedy;  and  as  for  no  caring  for 
me,  it  near  broke  his  heart  to  give  me  up. 
There  was  tears  on  his  face  when  he  parted." 


„4  A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL 

"Havers!  what  was  there  to  keep  him  frae 
buying  the  ring  if  he  wanted  it?" 

"His  superstitiousness." 

"What  is  there  superstitious  about  a  ring?" 

"It  wasna  the  ring;  it  was  the  hiccup  did 
it." 

"Ay,  I  heard  there  was  a  hiccup  in  the  story, 
but  I  didna  fash  about  it." 

"Jeames  did  though,  and  it  was  a  very 
queery  thing,  I  can  tell  ye,  though  I  didna 
put  the  wecht  on  it  that  he  did.  As  many  a 
one  kens  forby  me,  he  walked  straight  to  Peter 
Lambie's  shop  to  buy  the  ring,  and  just  as  he 
his  hand  on  the  door  he  took  the  hiccup. 
Ye  ken  what  a  superstitious  man  Jeames  is." 

"If  I  wanted  a  wife  it's  no  hiccup  would 
stand  in  the  road." 

"Because  you're  ower  ignorant  to  be  super- 
stitious. And  Jeames  didna  give  in  at  the  first 
try.  He  was  back  at  the  shop  the  next  nicht, 
and  there  he  took  the  hiccup  again.  Then  he 
came  to  me  and  said  in  terrible  disappointment 
as  it  would  be  wicked  to  marry  in  the  face  of 
Providence.  I  never  saw  a  man  so  crushed 
like." 

"Ay,   I'm   no   saying  but  what   this  may  be 


A    Tli-iLiYiaOKa    SI'AADAIi  L'o 

true,    but    it    doesna    explain    your    reason    for 
calling  me  Jeames." 

"I  call  ye  Tammas  as  a  rule,  when  it's  neces- 
sary to  mention  your  name.  Ye  canna  deny 
that." 

"Tell  me  how  I'm  Jeames  to  the  gentry." 
"I   wasna    to    disgrace   mysel'    to    them,    was 
I?" 

"Whaur's  the  disgrace  in  Tammas?" 

"Ye  maun  see,  Tammas  Haggart,  dull  as 
ye  are,  that  it  was  a  trying  position  for  me 
to  be  in.  When  I  left  Balribbie  the  leddies 
thocht  I  was  to  marry  Jeames  Pitbladdo;  did 
they  no?" 

"I  daursay." 

"And  I  had  told  them  Jeames  was  com- 
plete daft  about  me;  and  so  he  was,  for  he 
called  his  very  porridge  spoon  after  me,  a 
thing  you  never  did." 

"Did  I  ever  pretend  to  you  I  had  these  poeti- 
cal ways?" 

"I  wouldna  have  believed  it,  though  you  did. 
But  was  ever  mortal  woman  left  in  sich  a  pre- 
dicament because  of  a  superstition?  Nat'rally, 
when  I  married  you,  I  didna'  let  on  to  the  Bal- 
ribbie family  as  ye  wasna'   Jeames   Pitbladdo, 


26  A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL 

and  Jeames  Pitbladdo  they  think  ye  to  this 
day.    What  harm  does  it  do  ye?" 

"Harm!  It  leaves  me  complete  mixed  up 
about  mysel'.  Chirsty  Todd,  ye  have  disgraced 
me  this  nicht." 

Here  Chirsty  turned  on  him. 

"I've  disgraced  ye,  have  I?  And  wha  has 
shamed  me  every  nicht  for  years,  if  no'  yer- 
sel',  Tammas  Haggart?" 

"In  what  way  have  I  shamed  ye?" 

"In  many  a  way,  and  particularly  with  what 
ye  say  at  family  worship.  Take  your  feet  off 
that  fender." 

"I  keep  my  feet  on  the  fender  till  I  hear 
what  new  blether  this  is;  ay,  and  longer  if  I 
like." 

"The  things  ye  say  in  the  prayer  is  an  in- 
sult." 

"Canny,  Chirsty  Todd.  That  prayer,  as  weel 
ye  ken,  was  learned  out  of  a  book,  the  which 
was  lended  to  me  for  the  purpose  by  a  flying 
stationer." 

"Ye're  a  puir  crittur  if  ye  canna'  make  up 
what  to  say  yersel'.  Do  you  think  you'll  ever 
be  an  elder?     Not  you." 

"Wha  wants  to  be  an  elder?" 


A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL  27 

"'None  of  your  blasphemy,  Tammas  Hag- 
gart." 

"What's  wrang  with  the  prayer?" 

"Gang  through  it  in  your  head,  and  you'll 
soon  see  that." 

Tammas  repeated  the  prayer  aloud,  but  with- 
out enlightenment;  whereupon  Chirsty  nearly 
went  the  length  of  shaking  him. 

"Did  ye  not  pray  this  minute,"  she  said, 
"  'for  the  heads  of  this  house,  and  also  the 
children  thereof?'  " 

"I  did  so." 

"And  have  ye  no'  repeated  these  words  every 
nicht  for  near  three  years?" 

"And  what  about  that?" 

"Tammas  Hagart,  have  we  any  bairns?  Is 
there  'children  thereof?'  " 

Tammas  used  to  say  that  at  this  point  he 
took  his  feet  off  the  fender.  When  he  spoke 
it  was  thus — 

"As  sure  as  death,  Chirsty,  I  never  thocht 
of  that." 

His  intention  was  to  soothe  the  woman,  but 
the  utter  unreasonableness  of  the  sex,  as  he 
has  pointed  out,  was  finely  illustrated  by  the 
way  Chirsty  took  his  explanation. 


28  A   TILLYL.OSS  SCANDAL 

"Ye  never  thocht  of  it!"  she  exclaimed, 
"Tammas,  you're  a  most  aggravating  man." 

In  his  humorous  period,  Haggart  could  have 
ptood  even  this,  hut  that  night  it  was  beyond 
bearing.  He  jumped  to  his  feet  and  stumbled 
to  the  door. 

"Chirsty  Todd,"  he  turned  to  say,  slowly 
and  emphatically,  "you're  a  vain  tid.  But  be- 
ware, woman,  there's  others  than  Jeames  Pit- 
bladdo  as  can  take  the  hiccup." 

Chirsty  had  strange  cause  to  remember  this 
prophecy,  but  at  the  moment  it  only  sent  her 
running  to  the  door.  Tammas  was  half-way 
down  Tillyloss  already,  but  she  caught  him  in 
the  back  with  this  stone: 

"Guid-Dicht,  Jeames!" 

With  these  words  the  Thrums  Odyssey  be- 
gan. 


A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL  29 


CHAPTER  III. 


SHOWS    HOW    HAGGART    SAT    ON   A   DYKE 
LOOKING  AT  HIS  OWN  FUNERAL. 

Haggart  must  have  left  Tillyloss  with 
Chirsty  heavy  on  his  mind,  for  an  hour  after- 
wards he  was  surprised  to  find  himself  out  of 
Thrums.  He  was  wandering^  beneath  trees 
alongside  the  Whunny  drain,  which  is  said  to 
have  been  chiseled  from  the  rocks  when  men's 
wages  were  fourpence  a  day.  Here  he  sat 
down,  preparatory  to  turning  back.  It  was 
now  past  his  usual  bedtime,  and  he  had  been 
twelve  hours  at  work  that  day. 

"I  canna  say  whether  I  sat  lang  thinking 
about  Chirsty,"  he  afterwards  admitted;  "but 
I  mind  watching  a  water-rat  running  out  and 
in  among  some  nettles  till  it  got  mixed  in  my 
mind  with  the  shuttle  of  my  loom,  and  by  that 
time  I  was  likely  sleeping." 

The  probability  is  that  Tammas,  -who  met 
no  one,  walked  west  from  Tillyloss  to  Susie 
Linn's  pump,  where  he  took  the  back  wynd 
and  made  for  the  drain  edge  by  the  west  town 
end.  Tbis  is  the  route  we  have  usually  given 
him — though    Lookaboutyou    sends    him    round 


30  A  TILLYLOSS  SCANDAL 

by  the  den — and  I  have  walked  it  often  with 
Tammas  when  we  were  drawing  up  a  sort  of 
map  of  his  wanderings.  The  last  time  I  did 
this  was  in  the  company  of  William  Byars,  who 
came  back  to  Thrums  recently  after  nearly 
thirty  years'  absence,  and  spoke  of  Haggart 
the  moment  his  eyes  lighted  again  on  Tillylos's. 
Those  that  saw  him  say  that  William  was  over- 
come with  emotion  when  he  gazed  at  the  mem- 
orable outside  stair,  and  at  last  walked  away 
softly  saying,  "Haggart  was  a  man."  What  I 
can  say  of  my  own  knowledge  is  that  William 
met  me  one  day  as  I  was  coming  into  Thrums 
from  my  schoolhouse  and  asked  me  as  a  favor 
to  go  round  the  "Haggart  places"  with  him. 
This  I  mention  as  showing  what  a  hold  the  af- 
fair we  are  now  tracking  took  upon  the  popu- 
lar mind. 

I  pointed  out  to  William  the  very  spot  on 
which  Tammas  fell  asleep.  The  drain  edge 
path  crossed  the  burn  at  that  time  by  a  foot- 
bridge of  stone,  and  climbed  a  paling  into  the 
Long  Parks  of  Auchtersmellie.  A  hoarding  has 
been  erected  on  this  bridge  to  make  travelers 
go  another  way,  but  it  is  also  as  good  as  a 
sign-post,  for  ten  yards  due  south  from  it 
stands  the  short  thick  beech  against  which 
Tammas  Haggart  undoubtedly  slept  for  nearly 


A   TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL  31 

seven  hours  on  that  queer  night.  Even  Look- 
aboutyou  admits  this. 

To  make  the  scene  as  vivid  as  possible,  Wil- 
liam, at  my  suggestion,  sat  down  beneath  the 
tree  like  one  sleeping.  I  then  went  a  little 
way  into  the  Long  Parks  and  came  back  hur- 
riedly, making  pretense  that  it  was  a  dark 
night.  I  climbed  the  paling,  crossed  the  bridge 
— there  being  two  loose  spars  in  the  hoarding — 
and  was  passing  on  when  suddenly  I  saw  a 
man  sleeping  at  the  foot  of  a  tree.  When  re- 
garding him  I  shivered,  as  if  it  was  the  depth 
of  winter,  and  then  noted  that  he  had  on  a 
thick  top-coat.  After  a  little  hesitation,  I 
raised  him  cautiously  and  got  the  coat  off  with- 
out wakening  him.  I  was  rushing  off  with  it 
when  I  remembered  that  the  night  was  cold 
for  him  as  well  as  for  me,  and  flung  my  old 
coat  down  beside  him.  Then  I  hurried  off,  but 
of  course  came  back  directly,  the  make-believe 
being  over. 

Something  very  like  this  happened  while 
Haggart  was  asleep,  though  no  human  eye  wit- 
nessed the  scene.  All  we  are  sure  of  is  that 
the  thief  was  dressed  in  corduroys  like  Tam- 
mas's,  and  that  the  coat  he  left  behind  him  was 
a  thin  linen  one,  coarse,  stained — though  not 
torn — and    apparently    worthless.     There    were 


32  A    TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL 

twelve  buttons  on  it — an  unusual  number,  but 
not,  as  Tammas  discovered,  too  many.  It  is  a 
matter  for  regret  that  this  coat  was  not  pre- 
served. 

No  doubt  Tammas  was  shivering  when  he 
woke  up,  but  all  his  minor  troubles  were  swal- 
lowed in  the  loss  of  his  top-coat,  which  was  not 
only  a  fine  one,  but  contained  every  penny  he 
had  in  the  world,  namely,  seven  shillings  and 
sixpence  in  a  linen  bag.  He  climbed  into  the 
Long  Parks  looking  for  the  thief;  he  ran  along 
the  drain  edge  looking  for  him,  and  finally  he 
sat  down  in  dull  despair.  It  was  a  cruel  loss, 
and  now  not  his  indignation  with  Chirsty,  but 
Chirsty's   case   against   him,    shook  his   frame. 

"The  first  use  I  ever  made  of  the  linen  coat," 
he  allowed,  "was  to  wipe  the  water  off  my  een 
wi't." 

Only  fear  of  Chirsty  can  explain  Haggart's 
next  step,  which  was,  after  putting'  on  the 
linen  coat,  to  wander  off  by  the  Long  Parks, 
instead  of  at  once  returning  to  Tillyloss. 

I  did  not  take  William  over  the  ground  cov- 
ered by  Haggart  during  the  next  three  days; 
indeed,  the  great  part  of  it  is  only  known  to 
me  by  vague  report.  Tammas  doubtless  had 
no    notion    when    he   ran   away,   as    one   might 


A   TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL  33 

call  it,  from  Chirsty,  that  he  would  sleep  next 
night  thirty  miles  from  Thrums.  At  the  hack 
of  the  house  of  Auchtersmellie,  however,  he 
fell  in  with  a  wandering  tailor,  bound  for  a 
glen  farm,  where  six  weeks'  work  awaited  him. 
He  was  not  a  man  of  these  parts,  but  Tammas 
offered  to  walk  a  few  miles  with  him,  and 
ended  by  going  the  whole  way.  Of  Haggart's 
experiences  at  this  time  I  know  much,  but 
none  of  them  is  visible  beside  the  surprising 
event  that  sent  him  homewards  striding. 

It  takes  one  aback  to  think  that  Haggart 
might  never  have  been  a  humorist  had  not  one 
of  the  buttons  fallen  off  his  coat.  The  im- 
mediate effect  of  this  was  dramatic  rather 
than  humorous.  The  tailor  picked  up  the  but- 
ton to  sew  it  on  to  the  coat  again,  but  sur- 
prised by  its  weight  had  the  curiosity  to  tear 
its  linen  covering  with  his  scissors.  Then 
he  drew  in  his  breath,  extending  his  eyes  and 
looking  so  like  a  man  who  would  presently 
whistle  with  surprise  that  Haggart  stooped 
forward  to  regard  the  button  closely.  Next 
moment  he  had  snatched  up  the  button  with 
one  hand  and  the  coat  with  another,  and  was 
off  like  a  racer  to  the  tinkle  of  the  starter's 
bell. 

When  beyond  pursuit,  Haggart  sat  down  to 


34  A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL 

make  certain  that  he  was  really  a  rich  man. 
The  button  that  had  fallen  off  was  a  guinea — I 
gold  guineas  we  said  in  Thrums,  out  of  re- 
spect for  them — covered  with  cloth,  and  a 
brief  examination  showed  that  the  eleven  other 
buttons  were  of  the  same  costly  kind.  One 
popular  explanation  of  this  mysterious  affair 
is  that  the  tramp  who  left  this  coat  to  Tammas 
had  stolen  it  from  some  person  unknown,  with- 
out realizing  its  value.  Who  the  owner  was 
has  never  been  discovered,  but  he  was  doubt- 
less a  miser,  who  liked  to  carry  his  hoard 
about  with  him  unostentatiously.  I  have 
known  of  larger  sums  hidden  by  farmers  in  as 
unlikely  places, 

Before  resuming  his  triumphal  march  home, 
Tammas  pricked  a  hole  in  each  of  the  but- 
tons, to  make  sure  of  his  fortune,  and  wasted 
some  time  in  deciding  that  it  would  be  safer 
to  carry  the  guineas  as  they  were  than  stowed 
away  in  his  boots. 

"Sometimes  on  the  road  home,"  he  used  to 
say,  "I  ran  my  head  on  a  tree  or  splashed  into 
a  bog,  for  it's  sair  work  to  keep  your  een  on 
twelve  buttons,  when  they're  all  in  different 
places.  Lads,  I  watched  them  as  if  they  were 
living  things." 

William  and  I  crossed  from  the  drain  edge 


A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL  35 

to  the  hill,  where  the  next  scene  in  the  drama 
was  played.  The  hill  is  public  ground  to  the 
north  of  Thrums,  separated  from  it  by  the 
cemetery  and  a  few  fields.  So  steep  is  the 
descent  that  a  heavy  stone  pushed  from  the 
south  side  of  the  hill-dyke  might  crash  two 
minutes  afterwards  against  the  back  walls  of 
Tillyloss.  The  view  from  the  hill  is  among 
the  most  extensive  in  Scotland,  and  it  also  ex- 
poses some  dilapidated  courts  in  Thrums  that 
are  difficult  to  find  when  you  are  within  a 
few  feet  of  them.  Fifty  years  ago  the  hill 
was  nearly  covered  with  whins,  and  it  is  half 
hidden  in  them  still,  despite  the  life-work  of 
D.  Fittis. 

For  some  reason  that  I  probably  never  knew, 
we  always  called  him  D.  Fittis,  but  tradition 
remembers  him  as  the  Whinslayer.  At  a  time 
when  neither  William  nor  I  was  of  an  age  to 
play  smuggle,  D.  Fittis's  wife  lay  dying  far  up 
Glen  Quharity.  Her  head  was  on  D.  Fittis's 
breast,  and  tbe  tears  on  her  cheeks  came  from 
his  eyes.  There  were  no  human  beings  within 
an  hour's  trudge  of  them,  and  what  made  D. 
Fittis  gulp  was  that  he  must  leave  Betsy  alone 
while  he  ran  through  the  long  night  for  the 
'  Thrums  doctor,  or  sit  with  her  till  she  died. 

"Ye'll  no  leave  me,  Davie,"  she  said. 


3f.  A  TJLLY;L0SS  scandal 

"Oh,  Betsy;  if  I  had  the  doctor,  ye  micht 
live." 

Betsy  did  not  think  she  could  live,  but  she 
knew  her  man  writhed  in  his  helplessness,  and  I 
she  told  him  to  go. 

"Put  on  your  cravat,  Davie,"  she  said,  "and 
mind  and  button  up  your  coat." 

"Oh,  but  I'm  loth  to  gang  frae  ye,"  he  said 
when  his  cravat  was  round  his  neck  and  he 
stood  holding  Betsy's  hand. 

"God's  with  me,  Davie,  and  with  you,"  Betsy 
said,  but  she  could  not  help  clinging  to  him, 
and  then  D.  Pittis  cried,  "Oh,  blessed  God, 
Thou  who  didst  in  Thy  great  wisdom  make 
poor  folk  like  me,  in  Thy  hands  I  leave  this 
woman,  and  oh,  ye  micht  spare  her  to  me." 

"Ay,  but  God's  will  be  done,"  said  Betsy. 
"He  kens  best." 

It  was  not  God's  will  that  these  two  should 
meet  again  on  this  earth.  At  the  schoolhouse, 
which  was  to  become  my  home,  D.  Fittis  found 
friends  who  hastened  to  his  wife's  side,  and 
Craigiebuckle  lent  him  a  horse  on  which  he 
galloped  off  to  Thrums.  But  among  the 
whins  of  the  hill  the  horse  flung  him  and  broke 
his  leg.  D.  Fittis  tried  to  crawl  the  rest  of 
the  way,  but  he  was  found  next  morning  in  a 


A   TILLYLOSS  SCANDAL  37 

wild  state  among  the  whins,  and  he  was  never 
a  sane  man  again.  For  the  remainder  of  his 
life  he  had  but  one  passion — to  cut  down  the 
whins,  and  many  a  time,  at  early  morn,  at 
noon,  and  when  gloaming  was  coming  on,  I 
have  seen  him  busy  among  them  with  his 
scythe.  They  grew  as  fast  as  he  could  cut, 
but  he  had  loving  relatives  to  tend  him,  and 
was  still  a  kindly  harmless  man,  though  his 
laugh  was  empty. 

William  and  I  waded  through  the  whins  to 
a  hollow  in  the  hill,  known  as  the  toad's  hole. 
It  was  here  that  Haggart,  returning  boldly  to 
Thrums  four  days  after  Chirsty  had  the  last 
word,  fell  in  with  D.  Fittis. 

"He  was  cutting  away  at  the  whins,"  Tam- 
mas  remembered,  "and  I  dinna  think  that  the 
whole  time  me  and  him  spoke  he  ever  raised 
his  head;  he  was  a  terrible  busy  man,  D. 
Fittis." 

Haggart,  big  with  his  buttons,  had,  doubt- 
less, as  he  approached  the  whinslayer,  the 
bosom  of  a  victorious  soldier  marching  home 
to  music.  Nevertheless  it  has  been  noticed 
that  the  warrior,  who  thrives  on  battles,  may, 
even  in  the  hour  of  his  greatest  glory,  he  for- 
ever laid  prone  by  a  chimney  can.     For  Tarn- 


38  A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL 

mas  Haggart,  confident  that  a  few  minutes 
would  see  him  in  Tillyloss,  was  preparing  a 
surprise  that  rooted  him  to  the  toad's-hole  like 
a  whin.  I  have  a  poor  memory  if  I  cannot  re- 
member Haggart's  own  words  on  this  matter. 

"I  stood  looking  at  D.  Fittis  for  a  while," 
he  told  me,  "but  I  said  nothing  loud  out, 
though  the  chances  are  I  was  pitying  the 
stocky  in  my  mind.  Then  I  says  to  him  in 
an  ordinary  voice,  not  expecting  a  dumfounding 
answer,  I  says,  'Ay,  D.  Fittis,  and  is  there  ony- 
thing  fresh  in  Thrums;' 

"He  hacks  away  at  the  whins,  but  says  he, 
'The  burial's  this  day.' 

"'Man,'  I  says,  'so  there's  a  funeral!  Wha's 
dead?' 

"  'Ye  ken  fine,'  says  he,  implying  as  the 
thing  was  notorious. 

" 'Na,'  I  says,  'I  dinna  ken.     Wha  is  it?' 

"  'Weel,'   says  he,  'it's  Tammas  Haggart.' " 

Tammas  always  warned  us  here  against  at- 
tempting to  realize  his  feelings  at  these  mon- 
strous words.  "I  dinna  say  I  can  picture  my 
position  now  mysel',"  he  said,  "but  one  thing 
sure  is  that  for  the  moment  these  buttons 
slipped  clean  out  of  my  head.  It  was  an  eerie- 
like  thing  to  see  D.  Fittis  cutting  away  at  the 


a   TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL  39 

whins  after  making  such  an  announcement. 
A  common  death  couldna  have  affected  him 
less." 

"  'Say  wha's  dead  again,  D.  Fittis,'  I  cries, 
minding  that  the  body  was  daft. 

"  'Tammas  Haggart,'  says  he,  with  the  ut- 
most confidence. 

"  'Man,  D.  Fittis,'  I  says,  with  uncontrolled 
indignation,  'ye're  a  big  liar.' 

"  'Whaever  ye  are,'  says  he,  'I  would  lick 
ye  for  saying  that   if  I  could  spare  the  time.' 

"  'Whaever  I  am!'  I  cries.  'Very  weel  ye 
ken  I'm  Tammas  Haggart.' 

"'Wha's  the  liar  now?'  says  he. 

"I  was  a  sort  of  staggered  at  this,  and  I 
says  sharp-like,  'What  did  Tammas  Haggart 
die  of?' 

"I  thocht  that  would  puzzle  him,  if  it  was 
just  his  daftness  that  made  him  say  I  was 
gone,  but  he  had  his  cause  of  death  ready. 
'He  fell  down  the  quarry,'  says  he. 

"Weel,  lads,  his  confidence  about  the  thing 
sickened  me,  and  I  says,  'Leave  these  whins 
alone,  D.  Fittis,  and  tell  me  all  about  it.' 

"  'I  canna  stop  my  work,'  he  says,  'but  Tam- 
mas Haggart  fell  down  the  quarry  four  nichts 
since.     Ou,  it  was  in  the  middle  of  the  nicht, 


40  A    TLLiLiYLAJtiii   SCAJNUAJLi 

and  all  Thrums  were  sleeping  when  it  was 
wakened  by  one  awful  scream.  It  wakened  the 
whole  town.  Ay,  a  heap  of  folk  set  up  sud- 
den in  their  beds.' 

"  'And  was  that  Tammas  Haggart  falling 
down  the  quarry?'  I  says,  earnest-like,  for  I 
was  a  kind  of  awestruck. 

"  'It  was  so/  says  he,  tearing  away  in  the 
whins. 

"  'They  didna  find  the  body,  though,'  I  says, 
looking  down  on  mysel'  with  satisfaction. 

"  'Ay,'  says  he,  'the  masons  found  it  the 
next  morning,  and  there  was  a  richt  rush  of 
folk  to  see  it.' 

"'Ye  had  been  there?'  I  says. 

"  'I  was,'  says  he,  'and  so  was  the  wifie  as 
lives  beneath  me.  She  took  her  bairn  too,  for 
she  said,  "It'll  be  something  for  the  little  ane 
to  boast  about  having  seen  when  he  grows 
bigger."  Ay,  man,  it  had  been  a  michty  fall, 
and  the  face  wasna  recognizable.' 

"  'How  did  they  ken,  then,'  says  I,  'that  it 
was  Tammas  Haggart?' 

"  'Ou,'  says  he  at  once,  'they  kent  him  by 
his  top-coat.' 

"Lads,  of  course  I  saw  in  a  klink  that  the 


X  THJL.YL.OSS   SCANDAL,  41 

man  as  stole  my  top-coat  had  fallen  down  the 
quarry  and  been  mista'en  for  me.  Weel,  I 
nipped  mysel'  at  that.  It's  an  unco  thing  to 
say,  but  I  admit  I  was  glad  to  have  this  proof, 
as  ye  may  call  it,  that  it  was  really  me  as  was 
standing  in  the  toad's  hole. 

"'When  did  ye  say  the  burial  was?'  I  asked 
him. 

"  'It's  at  half  three  this  day,'  he  says,  'and 
I'll  warrant  it's  half  three  now,  so  if  ye  want 
to  be  sure  ye're  no  Tammas  Haggart  ye  can 
see  him  buried.' 

"I  took  a  long  look  at  D.  Fittis,  and  it's 
gospel  I  tell  ye  when  I  say  I  never  liked  him 
from  that  minute.  Then  I  hurried  up  the  hill 
to  the  cemetery  dyke,  and  sat  down  on  it. 
Lads,  I  sat  there,  just  at  the  very  corner,  whaur 
they've  since  put  a  cross  to  mark  the  spot,  and 
I  watched  my  ain  burial.  Yes,  there  I  sat  for 
near  an  hour,  me,  Tammas  Haggart,  an  ordi- 
nary man  at  that  time,  getting  sich  an  exper- 
ience as  has  been  denied  to  the  most  highly 
edicated  in  the  land.  I'm  no  boasting,  but 
facts  is  facts. 

"I'm  no  saying  it  wasna  a  fearsome  sight, 
for  I  had  a  terrible  sinking  at  the  heart,  and 
a  mortal  terror  took    grip    of    me.    so    that    I 


42  A   TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL 

couldna  have  got  off  that  dyke  except  by  fall- 
ing. Ay,  and  when  the  grave  was  filled  up 
and  the  mourners  had  dribbled  away,  I  sat 
on  with  some  uncommon  thochts  in  my  mind. 
It  would  be  wearing  on  to  four  o'clock  when 
I  got  up  shivering,  and  walked  back  to  whaur 
D.  Pittis  was  working.  There  was  a  question 
I  wanted  to  put  to  him. 

"  'D.  Fittis,'  I  says,  'was  there  ony  of  the 
Balribbie  folk  as  visited  Tammas  Haggart's 
wife  in  her  affliction?' 

"  'Ay,'  says  the  crittur,  trying  to  break  a 
supple  whin  with  his  foot,  'the  wifie  as  lives 
beneath  me  was  in  the  house  at  Tillyloss  when 
In  walks  a  grand  leddy.' 

"  'So,  so,'  I  says,  'and  was  Chirsty  ta'en  up 
like  about  her  man  being  dead?' 

"  'Ay/  says  D.  Fittis,  'she  was  greeting,  but 
as  soon  as  the  grand  woman  comes  in,  Chirsty 
takes  the  wifie  as  lives  beneath  me  into  a  cor- 
ner and  whispers  to  her.' 

*  'D.  Fittis,'  I  says,  sternly,  'tell  me  what 
Chirsty  Todd  whispered,  for  muckle  depends 
on  it.' 

"  'Weel,'  he  says,  'she  whispered,  "If  the 
leddy  calls  the  corpse  'Jeames'  dinna  conter- 
dict  her.' 


A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL  43 

"I  denounced  Chirsty  in  my  heart  at  that, 
not  being  sufficient  of  a  humorist  to  make  al- 
lowance for  women,  and  I  says,  just  to  see  if 
the  thing 'was  commonly  kent,  I  says, 

"'And  wha  would  Jeames  be?' 

"  'I  dinna  ken,'  says  D.  Fittis,  'but  maybe 
you're  Jeames  yerself ,  when  ye  canna  be  Tam- 
mas  Haggart.' 

"Lads,  ye  see  now  that  it  was  D.  Fittis  as 
put  it  into  my  head  to  do  what  I  subsequently 
did.  'Jeames,'  I  said,  'I'll  be  frae  this  hour,' 
and  without  another  word  I  walked  off  in  the 
opposite  direction  frae  Thrums. 

"I  dinna  pretend  as  it  was  Chirsty's  be- 
havior alone  that  sent  me  wandering  through 
the  land.  I  had  a  dread  of  that  funeral  for 
one  thing,  and  for  another  I  had  twelve  gold 
guineas  about  me.  Moreover,  the  ambition 
to  travel  took  hold  of  me,  and  I  thocht  Chirs- 
ty's worst  trials  was  over  at  ony  rate,  and 
that  she  was  used  to  my  being  dead  now." 

"But  the  well-wisher,  Tammas?"  we  would 
say  at  this  stage. 

"Ay,  I'm  coming  to  that.  I  walked  at  a 
michty  stride  alang  the  hill  and  round  by  the 
road  at  the  back  of  the  three-cornered  wood 
to   near   as   far   as   the   farm   of   Glassal,   and 


44  A  TILLYLOSS  SCANDAL. 

there  I  sat  down  at  the  roadside.  I  was  be- 
ginning to  be  mair  anxious  about  Chirsty  now, 
and  to  think  I  was  fell  fond  of  her  for  all  her 
exasperating  ways.  I  was  torn  with  conflict- 
ing emotions,  of  which  the  one  said,  'Back  ye 
go  to  Tillyloss,'  but  the  other  says,  'Ye'll  never 
have  a  chance  like  this  again.'  Weel,  I  could 
not  persuade  mysel',  though  I  did  my  best, 
to  gang  back  to  my  loom  and  hand  ower  the 
siller  to  Chirsty,  and  so,  as  ye  all  ken,  I  com- 
promised.   I  hurried  back  to  the  hill- " 

"But  ye've  forgotten  the  cheese?" 

"Na,  listen:  I  hurried  back  to  the  hill,  won- 
dering how  I  could  send  a  guinea  to  Chirsty, 
and  I  minded  that  I  had  about  half  a  pound 
of  cheese  in  my  pouch,  the  which  I  had  got  at 
a  farm  in  Glen  Quharity.  Weel,  I  shoved  a 
guinea  into  the  cheese,  and  back  I  goes  to 
the  hill  to  D.  Fittis. 

"'D.  Fittis,'  I  says,  'I  ken  you're  an  honest 
man,  and  I  want  ye  to  take  this  bit  of  cheese 
to  Chirsty  Todd.' 

"  'Ay,'  he  says,  'I'll  take  it,  but  no  till  it's 
ower  dark  for  me  to  see  the  whins.' 

"What  a  busy  critter  D.  Fittis  was,  and  to 
no  end!  I  left  the  cheese  with  him,  and  was 
off  again,  when  he  cries  me  back. 


A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL  45 

"  'Wha  will  I  say  sent  the  cheese?'  he  asks. 
I  considered  a  minute,  and  then  I  says,  'Tell 
her,'  I  says,  'that  it  is  frae  a  well-wisher.' 

"These  were  my  last  words  to  D.  Fittis,  for 
I  was  feared  other  folk  micht  see  me,  and 
away  I  ran.  Yes,  lads,  I  covered  twenty  miles 
that  day,  never  stopping  till  I  got  to  Dundee." 

It  was  Haggart's  way,  when  he  told  his 
story,  to  pause  now  and  again  for  comments, 
and  this  was  a  point  where  we  all  wagged  our 
heads,  the  question  heing  whether  his  assump- 
tion of  the  character  of  a  well-wisher  was  not 
a  clear  proof  of  humor.  "That  there  was  hu- 
mor in  it,"  Haggart  would  say,  when  summing 
up,  "I  can  now  see,  hut  compared  to  what  was 
to  follow,  it  was  neither  here  nor  there.  My 
humor  at  that  time  was  like  a  laddie  trying 
to  open  a  stiff  gate,  and  even  when  it  did 
squeeze  past,  the  gate  closed  again  with  a 
snap.  Ay,  lads,  just  listen,  and  ye'll  hear  how 
it  came  about  as  the  gate  opened  wide,  never 
to  close  again." 

"Ye  had  the  stuff  in  ye,  though,"  Look- 
aboutyou  would  say,  "and  therefore,  I'm  of 
opinion  that  ye've  been  a  humorist  frae  the 
cradle." 

"Little  you  ken  about  it,"  Haggart  would 
answer.      "No    doubt    I    had    the    material    of 


46  A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL 

humor  in  me,  but  it  was  raw.     I'm  thinking 
cold  water  and  kail  and  carrots  and  a  penny- 
bone  are  the  materials  broth  is  made  of?" 
"They  are,  they  are." 
"Ay,  but  it's  no  broth  till  it  boils?" 
"So  it's  no.     Ye're  richt,  Tammas." 
"Weel,  then,  it's  the  same  with  humor.    Con- 
sidering me  as  a  humorist,  ye  micht  say  that 
when  my  travels  began  I  had  put  mysel'  on  the 
fire  to  boil." 


A  TILLYLOSS  SCANDAL,  47 


CHAPTER  IV. 
THE    WANDERINGS    OF    HAGGART. 

Not  having  a  Haggart  head  on  my  shoulders 
I  dare  not  attempt  to  follow  the  explorer  step 
by  step  during  his  wanderings  of  the  next  five 
months.  In  that  time  he  journeyed  through  at 
least  one  country,  unconsciously  absorbing 
everything  that  his  conjurer's  wand  could  turn 
to  humor  when  the  knack  came  to  him.  This 
admission  he  has  himself  signed  in  conversa- 
tion. 

"Ay,"  he  said,  "I  was  like  a  blind  beggar 
in  these  days,  and  the  dog  that  led  me  by  a 
string  was  my  impulses." 

Most  of  us  let  this  pass,  with  the  reflection 
that  Haggart  could  not  have  said  it  in  his  pre- 
humorous  days,  but  Sneck  Hobart  put  in  his 
word. 

"Ye  were  hardly  like  the  blind  beggar,"  he 
said,  "for  ye  didna  carry  a  tanker  for  folk  to 
put  bawbees  in." 

Sneck  explained  afterwards  that  he  only 
spoke  to  give  Haggart  an  opportunity.    It  was, 


48  A   TILLYLOSS  SCANDAL 

indeed,  the  way  of  all  of  us,  when  we  saw 
an  opening,  to  coax  Tammas  into  it.  So 
sportsmen  of  another  kind  can  point  out  the 
hare  to  their  dogs,  and  confidently  await  re- 
sults. 

"Ye're  wrang,  Sneck,"  replied  Haggart. 

As  ever,  before  shooting  his  bolt,  he  then 
paused.  His  mouth  was  open,  and  he  had  the 
appearance  of  a  man  hearkening  intensely  for 
some  communication  from  below.  There  were 
those  who  went  the  length  of  hinting  that  on 
these  occasions  something  inside  jumped  to  his 
mouth  and  told  him  what  to  say. 

"Yes,  Snecky,"  he  said  at  last,  "ye're  wrang. 
My  mouth  was  the  tanker,  and  the  folk  I  met 
had  all  to  pay  toll,  as  ye  may  say,  for  they 
dropped  things  into  my  mouth  that  my  humor 
turns  to  as  muckle  account  as  though  they 
were  bawbees.     I'm  no  sure " 

"There's  no  many  things  ye're  no  sure  of, 
Tammas." 

"And  this  is  no  one  of  them.  It's  just  a 
form  of  expression,  and  if  ye  interrupt  me 
again,  Snecky  Hobart,  I'll  say  a  sarcastic 
thing  about  you  that  instant.  What  I  was  to 
say  was  that  I'm  no  sure  but  what  a  humorist 


A  TILLYLOSS  SCANDAL  49 

swallows  everything  whole  that  he  falls  in 
with." 

The  impossibility  of  telling  everything  that 
befell  Haggart  in  his  wanderings  is  best  proved 
in  his  own  words: 

'"My  adventures,"  he  said,  "was  so  surpris- 
ing thick  that  when  I  cast  them  over  in  my 
mind  I'm  like  a  man  in  a  corn-field,  and  every 
stalk  of  corn  an  adventure.  Lads,  it's  useless 
to  expect  me  to  give  you  the  history  of  ilka 
stalk.  I  wrax  out  my  left  hand,  and  I  grip 
something,  namely,  an  adventure;  or  I  wrax 
out  my  right  hand  and  grip  something,  name- 
ly, another  adventure.  Well,  by  keeping 
straight  on  in  ony  direction  we  wade  through 
adventures  till  we  get  out  of  the  field,  that  is 
to  say,  till  we  land  back  at  Thrums.  Ye  say 
my  adventures  sounds  different  on  different 
nichts.  Precisely,  for  it  all  depends  on  which 
direction  I  splash  off  in." 

Without  going  the  length  of  saying  that 
Haggart  splashed  more  than  was  necessary,  I 
may  perhaps  express  regret  that  he  never  saw 
his  way  to  clearing  up  certain  disputed  pas- 
sages in  his  wanderings.  I  would,  I  know, 
be  ill-thought  of  among  the  friends  who  sur- 
vive him  if  I  stated  for  a  fact  that  he  never 
reached   London.      There   was   a  general    wish 


50  A  TILLYLOSS  SCANDAL 

that  he  should  have  taken  London  in  his 
travels,  and  if  Haggart  had  a  weakness  it  was 
his  reluctance  to  disappoint  an  audience,  i 
must  own  that  he  trod  down  his  corn-field 
pretty  thoroughly  before  his  hand  touched  the 
corn-stalk  called  London,  and  that  his  Londqn 
reminiscences  never  seemed  to  me  to  have 
quite  the  air  of  reality  that  filled  his  recollec- 
tions of  Edinburgh.  Admitted  that  he  con- 
firmed glibly  as  an  eye-witness  the  report  that 
London  houses  have  no  gardens  (except  at  the 
back),  it  remains  undoubted  that  Craigiebuckle 
confused  him  with  the  question:  — 

"What  do  they  charge  in  London  for  half-a- 
pound  of  boiling  beef  and  a  penny  bone?" 

Haggart  answered,  but'  after  a  pause,  as  if 
he  had  forgotten  the  price,  which  scarcely 
seems  natural.  However,  I  do  not  say  that  he 
was  never  in  London,  and  certainly  his  curious 
adventures  in  it  are  still  retailed,  especially 
one  with  an  ignorant  policeman  who  could  not 
tell  him  which  was  the  road  to  Thrums,  and 
another  with  the  doorkeeper  of  the  House  of 
Parliament,  who,  on  being  asked  by  Haggart 
"How  much  was  to  pay?"  foolishly  answered, 
"What  you  please." 

But  though  I  heartily  approve  the  feeling  in 
Thrums     against     those     carping    critics    who 


A  TILLYLOSS  SCANDAL  51 

would  slice  bits  off  the  statue  which  we  may 
be  said  to  have  reared  to  Haggart's  memory, 
some  of  the  stories  now  fondly  cherished  are 
undoubtedly  mythical.  For  instance,  whatever 
Lookaboutyou  may  say,  I  do  not  believe  that 
Haggart  once  flung  a  clod  of  earth  at  the  Pope. 
It  is  perfectly  true  that  some  such  story  got 
abroad,  but  if  countenanced  by  Haggart  it  was 
only  because  Chirsty  had  her  own  reasons  for 
wanting  him  to  stand  well  with  the  Auld  Licht 
minister.  Often  Haggart  was  said  in  his  own 
presence  to  have  had  adventures  in  such 
places  as  were  suddenly  discovered  by  us  in 
the  newspapers,  places  that  had  acquired  a 
public  interest,  say,  because  of  a  murder;  and 
then  he  neither  agreed  that  he  had  been  there 
nor  allowed  that  he  had  not.  Thus  it  is  rea- 
sonable to  believe  that  his  less  discriminating 
admirers  splashed  out  of  Haggart's  corn-fiela 
into  some  other  body's  without  noticing  that 
they  had  crossed  the  dyke.  His  silence  at  those 
times  is  a  little  aggravating  to  his  chronicler 
»  now,  but  I  would  be  the  first  to  defend  it 
against  detractors.  Unquestionably  the  length 
of  time  during  which  Haggart  would  put  his 
under  lip  over  the  upper  one,  and  so  shut  the 
door  on  words,  was  one  of  the  grandest  proofs 
of  his  humor.     However  plentiful  the  water  in 


52  A   TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL 

the  dam  may  be,  there  are  occasions  when  it 
is  handy  to  let  down  the  sluice. 

I  the  more  readily  grant  that  certain  of  the 
Haggart  stories  may  have  been  plucked  from 
the  wrong  fields,  because  there  still  remain  a 
sufficient  number  of  authenticated  ones  to  fill 
the  mind  with  rapture.  A  statistician  could 
tell  how  far  they  would  reach  around  the 
world,  supposing  they  were  represented  by  a 
brick  apiece,  or  how  long  they  would  take  to 
pass  through  a  doorway  on  each  other's  heels. 
We  never  attempted  to  count  them.  Being  only 
average  men  we  could  not  conveniently  carry 
beyond  a  certain  number  of  the  stories  about 
with  us,  and  thus  many  would  doubtless  now 
be  lost  were  it  not  that  some  of  us  loaded 
ourselves  with  one  lot  and  others  with  an- 
other. Each  had  his  favorites,  and  Haggart 
supplied  us  with  the  article  we  wanted,  just 
as  if  he  and  we  were  on  opposite  sides  of  a 
counter.  Thus  when  we  discuss  him  now  we 
may  have  new  things  to  tell  of  him;  nay,  even 
the  descendants  of  his  friends  are  worth 
listening  to  on  Haggart,  for  the  stories  have 
been  passed  on  from  father  to  son. 

Some  enjoyed  most  his  reminiscences  of  how 
he  felt  each  time  he  had  to  cut  off  another 
button. 


A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL  53 

"Lads,"  he  said,  "I  wasna  unlike  a  doctor. 
Ye  mind  Dr.  Skene  saying  as  how  the  young 
doctors  at  the  college  grew  faint  like  at  first 
when  they  saw  blood  gushing,  but  by  and  by 
they  became  so  michty  hardy  that  they  could 
off  with  a  leg  as  cool  as  though  they  were  just 
hacking  sticks?" 

"Ay,  he  said  that." 

"Well,  that  was  my  sensations.  When  I 
cut  off  the  first  button  it  was  like  sticking  the 
knife  into  mysel',  and  I  did  it  in  the  dark 
because  I  hadna .  the  heart  to  look  on.  Ay, 
the  next  button  was  a  stiff  job  too,  but  after 
that  I  grew  what  ye  may  call  hard-hearted, 
and  it's  scarce  going  beyond  the  truth  to  say 
that  a  time  came  when  I  had  a  positive  pleas- 
ure in  sending  the  siller  flying.  I  dinna  ken, 
thinking  the  thing  out  calmly  now,  but  what  I 
was  like  a  wild  beast  drunk  with  blood." 

"What  was  the  most  ye  ever  spent  in  a 
week?" 

"I  could  tell  ye  that,  but  I  would  rather  ye 
wanted  to  ken  what  was  the  most  I  ever  spent 
iin  a  nicht." 

"How  muckle?" 

"Try  a  guess." 

"Twa  shillings?" 

"Twa  shillings!"  cried  Haggart,  with  a  con- 


54  A  TILLYLOSS  SCANDAL 

tempt  that  would  have  been  severe  had  the 
coins  been  pennies;  "ay,  sax  shillings  is  nearer 
the  mark." 

"In  one  nicht?" 

"Ay,  in  one  single  nicht." 

"Ye  must  have  lost  some  of  it?" 

"Not  a  bawbee.  Ah,  T'nowhead,  man,  ye 
little  ken  how  money  ■  goes  in  grand  towns. 
Them  as  lives  like  lords  must  spend  like  lords." 

"That's  reasonable  enough,  but  I  would  like 
to  hear  the  price  of  ilka  thing  ye  got  that 
nicht?" 

"And  I  could  tell  ye.  What  do  ye  say  to  a 
shilling  and  saxpence  for  a  bed?" 

"I  say  it  was  an  intake." 

"Of  course  it  was,  but  I  didna  grudge  it." 

"Ye   didna?" 

"No,  I  didna.  It  was  in  Edinburgh,  and  my 
last  nicht  in  the  place,  and  also  my  last  but- 
ton, so  I  thinks  to  mysel'  I'll  have  one  tre- 
mendous, memorable  nicht,  and  then  I'll  go 
hame.  Lads,  I  was  a  sort  of  wearying  for 
Chirsty." 

"Ay,  but  there's  four  shillings  and  saxpence 
to  account  for  yet." 

"There  is  so.  Saxpence  of  it  goes  for  a  glass 
of  whisky  in  the  smoking-room.  Lads,  that 
smoking-room    was    a    sight    utterly    baffling 


A.   TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL  55 

imagination.  There  was  no  chairs  in  it  except 
creat  muckle  saft  ones,  a  hantle  safter  than 
a  chaff  bed,  and  in  ilka  chair  some  nobleman 
or  other  with  his  feet  up  in  the  air.  Ay,  I  a 
sort  of  slipped  the  first  time  I  tried  a  chair, 
but  I  wasna  to  be  beat,  for  thinks  I,  'Lords  ye 
may  be,  but  I  have  paid  one  and  sax  for  my 
bed  as  weel  as  you,  and  this  nicht  I'll  "be  a 
lord  too!'  Keeping  the  one  and  sax  before  me 
made  me  bold,  and  soon  I  was  sprawling  in 
a  chair  with  my  legs  sticking  ower  the  arm 
with  the  best  of  them.  Ay,  it  wasna  so  much 
enjoyable  as  awe-inspiring." 

"That  just  brings  ye  up  to  twa  shillings." 

"Weel,  there  was  another  one  and  sax  for 
breakfast." 

"Astounding!" 

"Oh,  a  haver,  of  course,  but  we  got  as  muckle 
as  we  liked,  and  I  assure  ye  it's  amazing  how 
much  ye  can  eat,  when  ye  ken  ye  have  to  pay 
for  it  at  ony  rate.  Then  there  was  ninepence 
for  a  luncheon." 

"What's  that?" 

"I  didna  ken  myseF  when  I  heard  them 
speaking  about  it,  but  it  turned  out  to  be  a 
grand  name  for  a  rabbit." 

"Man,  is  there  rabbits  in  Edinburgh?" 

"Next  there  was  threepence  of  a  present  to 


X  A   TILLYLOSS    SCANDAL 

the  waiter-loon,  and  I  finished  up  with  a  shil- 
ling's worth  of  sangwiches." 

"Na,  that's  just  five  and  saxpence." 

Haggart,  however,  would  not  always  tell  how 
the  remaining  sixpence  went.  At  first  he  ad- 
mitted having  squandered  it  on  the  theatre,  but 
after  he  was  landed  by  Chirsty  in  the  Auld 
Licht  kirk  he  withdrew  this  reminiscence,  and 
put  another  sixpence-worth  in  the  smoking- 
room  in  its  place. 

As  a  convincing  proof  of  the  size  of  Edin- 
burgh, Haggart  could  tell  us  how  he  lost  his 
first  lodgings  in  it.  They  were  next  house  to 
a  shop  which  had  a  great  show  of  vegetables 
on  a  board  at  the  door,  and  Haggart  trusted  to 
this  shop  as  a  landmark.  When  he  returned 
to  the  street,  however,  there  were  greengrocery 
shops  everywhere,  and  after  asking  at  a  num- 
ber of  doors  if  it  was  here  he  lived,  he  gave  up 
the  search.  This  experience  has  been  paralleled 
in  later  days  by  a  Tilliedrum  minister,  who 
wTent  for  a  holiday  to  London,  and  forgot  the 
name  of  the  hotel  he  was  staying  at;  so  he  tele- 
graphed to  Tilliedrum  to  his  wife,  asking  her 
to  tell  him  what  address  he  had  given  her 
when  he  wrote,  and  she  telegraphed  back  to 
him  to  come  home  at  once. 

Like    all    the   great    towns   Haggart    visited, 


A   TLLLYJLOSS   SCANDAL  57 

Edinburgh  proved  to  be  running  with  low 
characters,  with  whom,  as  well  as  with  the 
flower  of  the  place — for  he  was  received  every- 
where— he  had  many  strange  adventures.  His 
affair  with  the  bailie  would  make  a  long  story 
Itself,  if  told  in  full  as  he  told  it;  also  what 
he  didv  to  the  piper;  how  he  climbed  up  the 
Castle  rocks  for  a  wager;  why  he  once  marched 
indignantly  out  of  a  church  in  the  middle  of 
the  singing;  the  circumstances  in  which  he 
cut  off  his  sixth  button;  his  heroic  defense  of  a 
lady  who  had  been  attacked  by  a  footpad;  his 
adventures  with  the  soldier  who  was  in  love 
and  had  a  silver  snuffbox;  his  odd  meeting 
with  James  Stewart,  lawful  King  of  Great 
Britain  and  Ireland.  With  this  personago,  be- 
tween whom  and  a  throne  there  only  stood  the 
constables,  Haggart  of  Thrums  hobnobbed  on 
equal  terms.  The  way  they  met  was  this. 
Haggart  was  desirous  of  the  sensation  of  driv- 
ing in  a  carriage,  but  grudged  much  outlay 
on  an  experience  that  would  soon  be  over.  He 
accordingly  opened  the  door  of  a  street  vehicle 
and  stepped  in,  when  the  driver  was  not  look- 
ing. They  had  a  pleasant  drive  along  famous 
Princes  Street  and  would  probably  have  gone 
farther  had  not  Haggart  become  aware  that 
someone   was   hanging  on   behind.     In  his   in- 


58  A  TILT.YLOSS   SCANDAL, 

dignation  he  called  the  driver's  attention  to 
this,  which  led  to  his  own  eviction.  The  hang- 
er-on proved  to  be  no  other  than  the  hapless 
monarch,  with  whom  Haggart  .subsequently 
broke  a  button.  For  a  king,  James  Stewart, 
who  disguised  his  royal  person  in  corduroys, 
was,  as  Haggart  allowed,  very  ill  in  order. 
The  spite  of  the  authorities  had  crushed  that 
once  proud  spirit,  and  darkened  his  intellect, 
and  he  took  his  friend  to  a  gambling-house, 
where  he  nodded  to  the  proprietor. 

"Whether  they  were  in  company,  with  de- 
signs on  my  buttons,"  Haggart  has  said,  "I'm 
not  in  a  position  to  say,  but  I  bear  no  ill-will 
to  them.  They  treated  me  most  honorable. 
Ay,  the  king,  as  we  may  call  him  if  we  s];eak 
in  a  low  voice,  advises  me  strong  to  gamble 
a  button  at  one  go,  for,  says  he,  'You're  sure 
to  win.'  Lads,  it's  no  for  me  to  say  a  word 
against  him,  but  I  thocht  I  saw  him  wink  to 
the  proprietor  lad,  and  so  I  says  in  a  loud 
voice,  says  I,  Til  gamble  half-a-crown  first, 
and  if  I  win,  then  I'll  put  down  a  button.'  The 
proprietor  a  sort  of  nods  to  the  king  at  that, 
and  I  plunks  down  my  half-crown.  Weel,  lads, 
I  won  five  shillings  in  a  clink." 

"Ay,  but  they  were  just  waiting  for  your 
guineas." 


A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL  59 

"It  may  have  been  so,  Andrew,  but  we  have 
no  proof  of  that;  for,  ye  see,  as  soon  as  I  got 
the  five  shillings  and  had  buttoned  it  up  in 
my  pouch,  I  says,  'I'll  be  stepping  hame  now,' 
I  says,  and  away  I  goes.  Ye  canna  say  but 
what  they  treated  me  honorable." 

"They  had  looked  thrawn?" 

"Ou,  they  did;  but  a  man's  face  is  his  own 
to  twist  it  as  he  pleases." 

"And  ye  never  saw  the  king  again?" 

"Ay,  I  met  him  after  that  in  a  close.  I  gave 
the  aristocratic  crittur  saxpence." 

"I'll  tell  ye  what,  Tammas  Haggart:  if  he 
was  proclaimed  king,  he  would  very  likely  send 
for  ye  to  the  palace  and  make  ye  a  knight." 

"Man,  Snecky,  I  put  him  through  his  cate- 
chism on  that  very  subject,  but  he  had  no 
hope.  Ye  canna  think  how  complete  despond- 
ent he  was.*' 

"Ye're  sure  he  was  a  genuine  Pretender?" 

"Na  faags!  But  when  ye're  traveling  it 
doesna  do  to  let  on  what  ye  think,  and  I  own 
it's  a  kind  of  satisfaction  to  me  now  to  pic- 
ture mysel'  diddling  a  king  out  of  five  shill- 
ings." 

"It's  a  satisfaction  to  everybody  in  Thrums, 
Tammas,  and  more  particular  to  Tillyloss." 

"Ay,  Tilly  has  the  credit  of  it  in  a  manner 


00  A  TILLYLOS3  SCANDAL 

of  speaking.  And  it  was  just  touch  and  go 
that  I  didna  do  a  thing  with  the  siller  as  would 
have  commemorated  that  adventure  among  fu- 
ture ages." 

"Ay,  man?" 

"I  had  the  notion  to  get  bawbees  for  the 
money,  namely,  one  hundred  and  thirty-twa 
bawbees,  for  of  course  I  didna  count  the  sax- 
pence.    Weel,  what  was  I  to  do  with  them?" 

"Put  the  whole  lot  in  the  kirk-plate  the  first 
Sabbath  day  after  ye  came  back  to  Thrums?" 

"Na,  na.  My  idea  was  to  present  a  bawbee 
to  a  hundred  and  thirty-twa  folk  in  Thrums, 
so  as  they  could  keep  it  round  their  necks  or 
in  a  drawer  as  a  memento  of  one  of  their 
humble  fellow-townsmen." 

"No  humble,  surely?" 

"Maybe  no,  but  when  ye  do  a  thing  in  a  big 
public  way  it's  the  proper  custom  to  speak  of 
yersel'  as  a  puir  crittur,  and  leave  the  other 
speakers  to  tell  the  truth  about  ye." 

"It's  a  pity  ye  didna  carry  out  that  notion." 

"Na,  it's  no,  for  I  had  a  better  ane  after,  the 
which  I  did  carry  out." 

"Yea?" 

"Ay,  I  bocht  a  broach  to  Chirsty  with  the 
siller." 

"Ho,  ho,  that's  whaur  she  got  the  broach?" 


A   TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL  CI 

"It  is  so,  and  though  I  dinna  want  to  boast, 
nobody  having  less  need  to  do  so,  I  can  tell  ye 
it  was  the  biggest  broach  in  Edinburgh  at  the 
price." 

Edinburgh  was  only  a  corner  in  Haggart's 
field  of  corn,  and  from  it  I  have  not  pulled 
half-a-dozen  stalks.  He  was  in  various  other 
great  centers  of  adventure,  and  even  in  wan- 
dering between  them  he  had  experiences  such 
as  would  have  been  a  load  for  any  ordinary 
man's  luck.  Once  he  turned  showman,  when 
the  actors  were  paid  in  the  pennies  flung  at 
them  by  admirers  in  the  audience.  Haggart 
made  for  himself  a  long  blood-red  nose,  which 
proved  such  an  irresistible  target  for  moneyed 
sportsmen  that  the  other  players  complained 
to  the  management.  He  sailed  up  canals 
swarming  with  monsters  of  the  deep.  He 
proved  such  an  agreeable  companion  at  farms 
that  sometimes  he  had  to  escape  in  the  night. 
He  rescued  a  child  from  drowning  and  cowed 
a  tiger  by  the  power  of  the  human  eye,  exactly 
as  these  things  are  done  in  a  book  which  be- 
longed to  Chirsty.  He  had  eleven  guineas  with 
him  when  he  set  out,  and  without  a  note-book 
he  could  tell  how  every  penny  of  the  money 
was  spent.  Prices,  indeed,  he  remembered  bet- 
ter than  anything. 


62  A   TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL 

I  might  as  well  attempt  to  walk  up  the  wall 
of  a  house  as  to  cut  my  way  through  Hag- 
gart's  corn-field.  Before  arriving  at  the  field 
I  thought  to  get  through  it  by  taking  the  but- 
tons one  by  one,  but  here  I  am  at  the  end  of 
a  chapter,  and  scarcely  any  of  the  corn  is  be- 
hind me.  I  now  see  that  no  biographer  will 
ever  be  able  to  treat  Haggart  on  the  grand 
scale  he  demands;  for  humility  will  force 
those  who  knew  him  in  his  prime  to  draw  back 
scared  from  the  attempt,  while  younger  ad- 
mirers have  not  the  shadow  of  his  personality 
to  warn  them  of  their  responsibility.  For  my 
own  part,  I  publicly  back  out  of  the  field,  and 
sit  down  on  the  doctor's  dyke  awaiting  Hag- 
gart's  return  to  Thrums. 


A  TILLYLOSS  SCANDAL  63 


CHAPTER  V. 

THE  RETURN  OF  HAGGART. 

Haggart  came  home  on  a  Saturday  evening, 
when  the  water-barrels  were  running  over,  and 
our  muddy  roads  had  lost  their  grip.  But  at 
all  times  he  took  small  note  of  the  weather, 
and  often  said  it  was  a  fine  day  out  of  polite- 
ness to  the  acquaintances  he  met  casually, 
when  Tillyloss  dripped  in  rain.  To  a  man  who 
has  his  loom  for  master  it  only  occurs  as  an 
afterthought  to  look  out  at  the  window. 

His  shortest  and  natural  route  would  have 
taken  the  wanderer  to  Tillyloss  without  zig- 
zagging him  through  the  rest  of  Thrums,  but 
he  made  a  circuit  of  the  town,  and  came  march- 
ing down  the  Roods. 

"I  wanted  to  burst  upon  the  place  sudden 
like,"  he  admitted,  "and  to  let  everybody  see 
me.  I  dinna  deny  but  what  it  was  a  proud 
moment,  lads,  as  Thrums  came  in  sicht.  I 
had  naturally  a  sort  of  contempt  for  the  placey, 
and  yet  I  was  fell  awid  to  be  back  in  it  too, 
just  as  a  body  is  glad  to  slip  into  his  bed  at 


64  A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL. 

nicht.  Ay,  foreign  parts  is  grand  for  adven- 
ture, but  Thrums  for  company." 

At  the  top  of  the  Roods  he  was  recognized 
by  two  boys  who  had  been  to  a  farm  for  milk, 
and  were  playing  at  swinging  their  flagon 
over  their  heads  without  dropping  its  con- 
tents. The  apparition  stayed  the  flagon  in  the 
air,  and  the  boys  clattered  off  screaming.  Their 
father  had  subsequently  high  words  with  Tarn- 
mas,  who  refused  to  refund  the  price  of  the 
milk. 

"Though  my  expectations  was  high,"  Haggart 
said,  "they  were  completely  beaten  by  the 
reality.  Nothing  could  have  been  more  gratify- 
ing than  the  sensation  I  created,  not  only 
among  ladies  and  lassies  but  among  grown 
men  and  women.  Very  weel  I  ken  that  Dan'l 
Strachen  pretends  he  stood  his  ground  when  I 
came  upon  him  at  the  mouth  of  Saunders 
Rae's  close,  but  whaur  was  the  honor  in  that, 
when  the  crittur  was  paralyzed  with  fear?  Ay, 
he  wasna  the  only  man  that  lost  his  legs  in 
the  Roods  that  day;  Will'um  Crewe  being  an- 
other. Snecky  Hobart,  you  was  one  of  them  as 
I  walked  into  at  Peter  Lambie's  shop  door, 
and  I'll  never  speak  to  ye  again  if  ye  dinna 
allow  as  I  scattered  ye  like  a  showman  in  the 
square  does  when  he  passes  round  the  hat." 


A    T  I  LI  A' LOSS   SCANDAL  60 

"I  allow,  Tammas,  as  I  made  my  feet  my 
friend  that  nicht." 

"And  did  I  no  send  the  women  flying  and 
skirling  in  all  directions?  Was  it  me  or  was 
it  no  me  that  made  Mysy  Dinnie  faint  on  her 
back  in  the  corner  of  the  school-wynd?" 

"It  was  you,  Tammas,  and  michty  boastful 
the  crittur  was  when  she  came  to,  and  heard 
she  had  fainted." 

"And  there's  a  curran  women  as  says  they 
hung  out  at  their  windows  looking  at  me.  I 
would  like  to  hear  of  one  proved  case  in  which 
ony  woman  did  that  except  at  a  second  story 
window? 

"Sal,  they  didna  dare  look  out  at  low  win- 
dows. Na,  they  were  more  like  putting  on 
their  shutters. 

"And  did  some  of  them  no  bar  their  doors, 
and  am  I  lying  when  I  say  Lisbeth  Whamand 
up  with  her  bairn  out  of  the  cradle  and  ran 
to  the  door  of  the  Auld  Licht  kirk,  thinking 
I  couldna  harm  her  there?" 

"You're  speaking  gospel,  Tammas.  And  it 
wasna  to  be  wondered  at  that  we  should  be 
terrified,  seeing  we  had  buried  ye  five  months 
before." 

"I'm  no  saying  it  was  unnatural.  I  would 
have   been   particular   annoyed   if  ye   had  been 


Gfi  A  TILLYLOSS  SCANDAL 

so  stupid  as  to  stand  your  ground.  And  what's 
more,  if  I  had  met  the  Auld  Licht  minister  he 
would  have  run  like  the  rest." 

But  this  oft-repeated  assertion  of  Haggart's 
was  usually  received  in  silence.  His  extra- 
ordinary imagination  enabled  him  to  conceive 
this  picture,  but  to  such  a  height  we  never 
rose. 

By  the  time  Haggart  reached  the  Tenements 
the  town  had  sufficiently  recovered  to  follow 
him  at  a  distance.  How  he  looked  to  the  popu- 
lace has  been  frequently  discussed,  Peter  Lam- 
bie's  description  being  regarded  as  the  best. 

"Them  of  you,"  Peter  would  say,  drawn  to 
the  door  of  his  shop  by  Haggart  groups,  "as 
has  been  to  the  Glen  Quharity  Hieland  sports, 
can  call  to  mind  the  competition  for  best- 
dressed  Hielander.  The  Hielanders  stands  in 
their  glory  in  a  row,  and  the  grand  leddies 
picks  out  the  best-dressed  one.  Weel,  the  com- 
petitors tries  to  look  as  if  they  didna  ken  they 
were  being  admired,  implying  as  they're  indif- 
ferent to  whether  they  get  the  prize  or  no,  but, 
all  the  time,  there's  a  sort  of  pleased  smirk  on 
their  faces,  mixed  up  with  a  natural  anxiety. 
Ay,  then,  that's  the  look  Tammas  Haggart  had 
when  he  passed  my  shop." 

"But  ye  saw  a  change  come  over  him,  did  ye 
no?" 


A  TILLYLOSS  SCANDAL  67 

"I  did.  I  was  among  them  as  ran  after  him 
along-  the  Tenements,  and,  though  I  just  saw 
his  back,  it  wasna  the  back  he  had  on  when  he 
passed  my  shop.  I  would  say,  judging  from  his 
back,  as  his  chest  was  sticking  out,  and  he 
walked  with  a  sort  of  strut,  like  the  Hielander 
as  has  won  the  prize  and  kens  it  would  be  a 
haver  to  make  pretence  of  modesty  ony  more." 

"But  ye  never  saw  me  look  back,  Peter," 
Haggart  said,  when  Lambie's  version  was  pre- 
sented to  him. 

"Na,  it  was  astonishing  how  ye  could  have 
kept  frae  turning  your  head.  Ye  was  like  one 
unaware  that  there  was  sich  a  crowd  running 
after  ye." 

"Ay,  lad,  but  very  weel  I  went  for  all  that. 
Thinks  I  to  mysel'  as  I  walks  on  before  ye — 
'This  scene  winna  be  forgotten  for  many  a 
year'." 

"And  it  will  not,  Tammas.  It  did  the  work 
of  the  town  for  a  nine  days.  Ay,  I've  often 
said  mysel'  that  you  walked  hame  that  nicht 
more  like  a  circus  procession  than  a  single 
man.  The  only  think  I  a  kind  of  shake  my 
head  at  is  your  saying  ye  wasna  a  humorist  at 
that  time." 

"I  didna  just  gang  that  length,  Pete.  I  was 
a  humorist  and  I  wasna  a  humorist.    My  humor 


(IS  A    TILIiYLOSS   SCANDAL 

was  just  peeping  out  of  its  hole  like  a  rabbit, 
as  ye  rnicht  say." 

"Ye  said  as  when  ye  started  on  your  wan- 
derings it  was  like  putting  yoursel,'  considered 
as  a  humorist,  on  the  fire  to  boil.  Weel,  then, 
I  say  as  ye  had  come  aboil  when  ye  marched 
through  Thrums." 

"Na,  Lookaboutyou,  it's  an  ingenious  argu- 
ment that;  but  ye've  shot  ower  the  top  of  the 
target,  lad.  Ye've  all  seen  water  so  terrible 
near  the  boil  that  if  ye  touch  it  with  your 
finger  it  does  begin  to  boil?" 

"Ay,  that's  true;  but  a  spoon  is  better  to 
touch  it  with,  in  case  you  burn  your  finger." 

Lookaboutyou  got  a  laugh  for  this,  which 
annoyed   Tammas. 

"Take  care,  Lookaboutyou,"  he  said,  warn- 
ingly,  "or  I'll  let  ye  see  as  my  humor  can 
burn  too.  I  ken  a  sarcastic  thing  to  say  to  ye, 
my  man." 

'But  what  about  the  water  so  near  the  boil?" 
asked  Hobart,  while  Lookaboutyou  shrunk 
back. 

"My  humor  was  in  that  condition,"  said 
Haggart,  still  eyeing  the  foolish  farmer 
threateningly,  "when  I  came  back  to  Thrums. 
It  just  needed  a  touch  to  make  it  boil." 

"And,  sal,  it  got  the  touch!" 


A  TIL.L.YL.OSS  SCANDAL  69 

"Ay,  I  admit  that;  but  no  till  the  Monday." 

We  go  back  to  the  march  from  the  Roods  to 
Tillyloss.  In  less  time  than  it  would  have 
taken  Haggart  to  bring  his  sarcastic  shaft 
from  the  depths  where  he  stowed  these  things 
and  fire  it  into  Lookaboutyou,  he  had  walked 
triumphantly  to  Tillyloss,  and  turned  up  the 
road  that  was  presently  to  be  named  after 
him.  His  tail  of  fellow-townsmen  came  to  a 
stop  at  the  pump,  where  they  had  a  good  view 
of  Haggart's  house,  all  but  a  few  daring  ones, 
nearly  all  women,  who  ran  up  the  dyke,  in  hope 
of,  witnessing  the  meeting  with  Chirsty. 

"I  suppose,  lads,"  Haggart  said  to  us,  "that 
ye're  thinking  my  arrival  at  Tillyloss  was  the 
crowning  moment  of  my  glory?" 

"It  was  bound  to  be." 

"So  ye  think,  Andrew;  but  that  just  shows 
how  little  ye  ken  about  the  human  heart.  I 
got  as  far  as  Tillyloss  terribly  windy  at  the 
way  ye  had  honored  me;  but,  lads,  something 
came  ower  me  at  sicht  of  that  auld  outside 
stair.    Ay,  it  had  a  michty  hame-like  look." 

"I've  heard  tell  ye  stopped  and  gazed  at  it, 
like  grand  folk  admiring   the  view." 

"Ay,  lathies,  I  daursay  I  did  so;  but  it 
wasna  the  view  I  was  thinking  about.  I'll  war- 


t\)  A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL 

rant  ye  couldna  say  what  was  in  my  mind?" 

"Your  funeral?" 

"I  never  gave  it  a  thocht.  Na,  but  I'll  tell  ye: 
I  was  thinking  of  Chirsty  Todd," 

"Ay,  and  the  startle  she  was  to  get?" 

"No,  Snecky;  it's  an  astonishing  thing,  but 
the  moment  my  een  saw  that  outside  stair  I 
completely  lost  heart,  and  frae  being  lifted  up 
with  pride,  down  goes  my  courage  like  a 
bucket  in  a  well.  Was  it  the  stair  as  terrified 
me?  Na,  it  was  Chirsty  Todd.  Lads,  I  faced 
the  whole  drove  of  ye  as  bold  as  a  king  sit- 
ting down  at  the  head  of  his  tea  table;  but 
the  thocht  of  Chirsty  Todd  brocht  my  legs  to 
a  stop.  Ay,  for  all  we  may  say  to  the  con- 
trairy,  is  there  a  man  in  Thrums  as  hasna  a 
kind  of  fear  of  his  wife? 

At  this  question  Haggart's  listeners  usually 
looked  different  ways. 

"Lads,"  continued  Tammas,  "it  ran  through 
me  suddenly,  like  a  cold  blast  of  wind — 'What 
if  Chirsty  shouldna  be  glad  to  see  me  back?' 
and  I  regretted  michty  that  I  hadna  halved 
the  guineas  with  her.  Ay,  I  tell  ye  openly, 
as  I  found  myseP  getting  smaller,  like  a  gas- 
ball  with  a  hole  in  it,  and  I  a  kind  of  lost 
sight  of  all  I  had  to  boast  of.  I  was  ashamed 
of  mysel'  and  also  in  mortal  terror  of  Chirsty 


A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL  71 

Todd.  Ay,  but  I  never  let  her  ken  that:  na, 
na;  a  man  has  to  be  wary  about  what  he  tells 
his  wife." 

"He  has  so,  for  she's  sure  to  fling  it  at  him 
by  and  by  like  a  wet  clout.  Women  has  ter- 
rible memories  for  what  ye  blurt  out  to  them." 

"Ye're  repeating  my  words,  Rob,  as  if  they 
were  your  own;  but  what  ye  say  is  true. 
Women  doesna  understand  about  men's  minds1 
being  profounder  than  theirs,  and  consequent- 
ly waur  to  manage." 

"That's  so,  and  it's  a  truth  ye  daurna  men- 
tion to  them.  But  ye  was  come  to  the  out- 
side stair,  Tammas." 

"Ay,  I  was.  Lad,s,  I  climbed  that  stair  all 
of  a  tremble,  and  my  hand  was  shaking  so 
muckle  that  for  a  minute  I  couldna  turn  the 
handle  of  the  door." 

"We  saw  as  ye  a  sort  of  tottered." 

"Ay,  I  was  uneasy;  and  even  when  the  door 
opened  I  didna  just  venture  inside.  Na,  I 
had  a  feeling  as  it  was  a  judicious  thing  to 
keep  a  grip  of  the  door.  Weel,  lathies,  I  stood 
there  keeking  in,  and  what  does  I  see  but 
Chirsty  Todd  sitting  into  the  fire,  with  my 
auld  pipe  in  her  mouth.  Ay,  there  she  sat 
blasting." 

"How  did  that  affect  ye,  Tammas?" 


72*  A    TILL.YLOSS   SCANDAIj 

"How  did  it  affect  me?  It  angered  me  most 
michty  to  see  her  enjoying  hersel',  and  me 
thocht  to  be  no  more." 

"  'Ye  heartless  limmer,'  I  says  to  mysel',  and 
that  reminds  me  as  a  man  is  master  in  his 
own  house,  so  I  bangs  the  door  to  and  walks 
in." 

"Wha  spoke  first?" 

"Oh,  I  spoke  first.  I  spoke  just  as  her  een 
lichted  on  me." 

"Ye  had  said  a  memorable  thing?" 

"I  canna  say  I  did.  No,  Pete.  I  just  gave 
her  a  sly  kind  of  look,  and  I  says,  'Ay, 
Chirsty.'  " 

"She  screamed,  they  say?" 

"She  did  so,  and  the  pipe  fell  from  her 
mouth.  Ay,  it's  a  gratification  to  me  to  ken 
that  she  did  scream," 

"And  what  happened  next?" 

"She  spyed  at  me  suspiciously;  and  says 
she,  'Tammas  Haggart,  are  you  in  the  flesh?' 
to  which  I  replies,  'I  am  so,  Chirsty.'  'Then,' 
cries  she  sharply,  'take  your  dirty  feet  off  my 
clean  floor!'  " 

"And  did  ye?" 

"Ay,  I  put  them  on  the  fender;  and  she  cries, 
'Take  your  dirty  feet  off  the  fender.' 

"Lads,   I   thocht   it  was   best  to  sing   small, 


A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL  73 

so  I  took  off  my  boots,  and  she  sat  glowering 
at  me,  but  never  speaking.  'Ay,  Chirsty,'  I 
says,  'ye've  had  rain  I'm  thinking;  and  she 
says,  'The  rain's  neither  here  nor  there;  the 
question  is,  How  did  you  break  out?'  Ay,  the 
critter  thocht  I  had  broken  out  of  my  grave. " 

"We  all  thocht  that." 

"Nat'rally  ye  did.  "Weel,  I  began  my  story 
at  the  beginning,  but  with  the  impatience  of  a 
woman  she  aye  said,  'I  dinna  want  to  hear 
that,  I  want  to  ken  how  you  broke  out!'" 

"But  she  wanted  to  hear  about  the  siller  in 
the  buttons?" 

"Ay,  but  I  tried  to  slither  ower  the  but- 
tons, fearing  she  would  be  mad  at  me  for 
spending  them.  And,  losh,  mad  she  was!  I 
explained  to  her  as  I  put  them  to  good  use 
by  improving  my  mind,  but  she  says,  'Dinna 
blather  about  your  mind  to  me,  or  I'll  take 
the  poker  to  ye!'  Chirsty  was  always  fond  of 
language." 

"But  what  about  the  Well-wisher?" 

"Oh,  that  was  a  queery,  I  says  to  Chirsty, 
'I  did  not  forget  your  sufferings,  Chirsty,  for 
I'm  the  Well-wisher.'  At  first  she  didna  un- 
derstand, but  then  she  minds  and  says,  'It 
was  you  as  sent  that  bit  cheese  with  D.  Fittis, 
was  it?'     Lads,  then  it  came  out  as  the  cheese 


74  A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL 

was  standing  in  the  press  untouched.  Ay,  I 
tore  it  in  twa  with  my  hands,  and  out  rolls 
the  guinea.  She  had  never  dreamed  of  there 
being  siller  in  the  cheese." 

"Na,  she  was  terrified  to  touch  the  cheese. 
I  mind  when  I  could  have  bocht  it  fae  her 
for  twa  or  three  bawbees.  Ay,  what  chances 
a  body  misses.  But  she  had  been  pleasanter 
with  ye  after  she  got  the  guinea?" 

"I  can  hardly  say  that.  She  nipped  it  up 
quick,  and  tells  me  to  go  on  with  my  story- 
Weel,  I  did  so  in  a  leisurely  way,  her  aye  nag- 
ging at  me  to  come  %$  the  quarry,  as  I  soon  had 
to  do.  I  need  scarce  tell  ye  she  was  michty 
surprised  it  wasna  me  ye  buried,  but  after  that 
was  cleared  up,  I  saw  her  mind  wasna  on 
what  I  was  saying  to  her.  No,  lads,  I  was  the 
length  of  Dundee  in  my  story  when  she  jumps 
up,  and  away  she  goes  to  the  lowest  shelf  in 
the  dresser.  I  stopped  in  my  talk  and  watched 
her.  She  pulls  out  the  iron  and  lays  it  on  the 
table,  then  she  shoves  a  heater  into  the  fire, 
and  brings  an  auld  dicky  out  of  a  drawer. 
Lads,  I  had  a  presentiment  what  she  was 
after." 

"  'What  are  ye  doing,  Chirsty?'  I  says  with 
misgivings. 

"  'I'm  to  iron   a  dicky  for    ye    to    wear    to- 


"~S 


A  TILLYLOSS  SCANDAL  75 

morrow,'  she  cries,  and  she  kicks  my  foot  off 
the  fender. 

"  'I'm  no  going  to  the  kirk,'  I  warns  her. 

"  'Are  ye  no?'  says  she;  'ye  gang  twice,  Tam- 
mas  Haggart,  though  the  Auld  Licht  minister 
has  to  drive  ye  to  the  door  with  a  stick.' 

"Ay,  when  I  heard  she  had  joined  the  Auld 
Lichts  I  kent  I  was  done  with  lazy  Sabbaths. 
Weel,  she  ironed  away  at  that  dicky  with  tre- 
mendous energy,  and  then  all  at  once  she  lays 
down  the  iron  and  she  cries, 

"'Keeps  us  all,  I  had  forgotten!'  She  was 
the  picture  of  woe. 

"'What's  the  matter,  Chirsty?'  I  says. 

"She  stood  there  wringing  her  hands. 

"  'Ye  canna  gang  to  the  kirk,'  she  moans, 
'for  ye  have  no  clothes.' 

"'No   clothes!'  I  cries.     'I   have  my  blacks.' 

"  'They're  gone,'  she   says. 

"'Gone,  ye  limmer!'  I  says,  'wha  has  them?' 

"  'Davit  Whamand,'  she  says,  'has  the  coat, 
and  Hender  Haggart  the  waistcoat  and  the 
hat.' 

"Ay,  lads,  I  can  tell  ye  this  composedly  now, 
but  I  was  fuming  at  the  time.  Chirsty's  pas- 
sion for  genteelity  was  such  that  she  had 
imitated  grand  folk's  customs  and  given  away 
the  clothes  as  had  been  worn  by  the  corpse." 


76  A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL 

"That  came  of  taking  a  wife  frae  Balribbie." 

"Ay,  and  it's  not  the  only  proof  of  Chirsty's 
vanity,  for,  as  ye  all  ken,  she  continued  to 
wear  her  crape  to  the  kirk  long  after  I  came 
hack." 

"Because  she  thocht  it  set  her?" 

"Ou,  rather,  just  because  she  had  it.  But 
it  was  aggravating  to  me  to  have  to  walk  with 
her  to  the  kirk,  and  her  in  widow's  crapes. 
It  would  have  provoked  an  ordinary  man  to 
the  drink." 

"It  would  so,  but  what  said  ye  when  ye 
heard  the' blacks  was  gone?" 

"Said?  It  wasna  a  time  for  saying.  I 
shoved  my  feet  into  my  boots  and  flung  on 
my  bonnet,  and  hurries  to  the  door. 

"  'Whaur  are   ye  going?'  cries   Chirsty. 

"  'To  demand  back  my  blacks,'  I  says,  dash- 
ing open  the  door  with  my  fist.  Ye  may  mind 
there  was  some  of  ye  keeking  in  at  the  door 
and  the  window,  trying  to  hearken  to  the  con- 
versation." 

"Ay,  and  we  flew  frae  ye  as  if  ye  was  the 
Riot  Act.  But  we  was  thinking  by  that  time 
as  ye  micht  be  a  sort  of  living." 

'Maybe,  but  I  wasna  thinking  about  you. 
Na,  it  was  the  blacks  as  was  on  my  mind,  and 
away  I  goes." 

"Ye  ran." 


A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL  7  7 

"Yes,  I  ran  straight  to  the  Tenements  to 
Davit  Whamand's  house.  Lads,  I  said  the 
pot  was  very  near  the  boil  when  I  marched 
down  the  Roods,  but  my  humor  was  getting 
cold  again.  Ay,  Chirsty  Todd  had  suddenly 
lifted  the  pot  off  the  fire." 


78  A  TILLYLOSS  SCANDAL 


CHAPTER  VI. 
IN  WHICH  A  BIRTH   IS  RECORDED. 

"Davit's  collie  barked  at  me,"  Haggart  eon. 
tinued,  "when  it  heard  me  lifting  the  sneck 
of  the  door,  but  I  cowed  it  with  a  stern  look, 
and  stepped  inside.  The  wife  was  away  crack- 
ing about  me  to  Lizzie  Linn,  but  there  was 
Davit  himsel'  with  a  bantam  cock  on  his  knee, 
the  which  was  ailing,  and  he  was  forcing  a 
little  butter  into  its  nib.  He  let  the  beast  fall 
when  he  saw  me,  and  I  was  angered  to  notice 
as  he  had  been  occupied  with  a  bantam  when 
he  should  have  been  discussing  me  with  con- 
sternation." 

"It  was  the  greater  surprise  to  him  when  in 
ye  marched." 

"Ay,  but  my  desire  to  be  thocht  a  ghost  had 
gone,  and  I  says  at  once,  'Dinna  stand  trem- 
bling there,  Davit  Whamand,'  I  says,  'for  I'm 
in  the  flesh,  and  so  you'll  please  hand  ower 
my  black  coat!'  He  hardly  believed  I  was 
human  at  first,  but  at  the  mention  of  the  coat 
he  grows  stiff  and  hard,  and  says  he,  'What 
black  coat?' 


A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL  79 

"  'Deception  will  not  avail  ye,  Davit  Wha- 
mand,'  says  I,  'for  Chirsty  has  confessed  all.' 

"  'The  coat's  mine,'  says  Davit,  glowering. 

"  'I  want  that  coat  direct,'  I  says. 

"  'Think  shame  o'  yoursel','  says  he,  'and  you 
a  corpse  this  half  year.' 

"The  crittur  tried  to  speak  like  a  minister, 
hut  I  waved  away  his  argument  with  my  hand. 

"  'Back  to  the  cemetery,  ye  shameless  corp,' 
says  he,  'and  I'll  mention  this  to  nobody;  but 
if  ye  didna.  gang  peaceably  we'll  call  out  the 
constables.' 

"  'Dinna  haver,  Davit  Whamand,'  I  retorts, 
'for  ye  ken  fine  I'm  in  the  flesh,  and  if  ye 
dinna  produce  my  coat  immediately  I'll  take 
the  law  of  ye.' 

'"Will  ye?'  he  sneers;  'and  what  micht  ye 
call  yoursel'?' 

"  'I'll  call  mysel'  by  my  own  name,  namely, 
Tammas  Haggart,'  I  thunders. 

"'Yea,  yea,'  says  he;  'I'm  thinking  a  corp 
hands  on  his  name  to  his  auldest  son,  and  Tam- 
mas Haggart  being  dead  without  a  son  the 
name  becomes  extinct.' 

"Lads,  that  did  stagger  me  a  minute,  but 
then  I  minds  I'm  living,  and  I  cries,  'Ye  sly 
crittur,  I'm  no  dead.' 


80  A   TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL 

'"Are  ye  not?'  says  he;  'I  think  ye  are.' 

"  'Do  I  look  dead?'  I  argues. 

"  'Look  counts  for  nothing  before  a  bailie,' 
says  he,  'and  if  ye  annoy  me  I'll  bring  wit- 
nesses to  prove  you're  dead.  Yes,  I'll  produce 
the  widow  in  her  crapes,  and  them  as  coffined 
ye.' 

"  'Ay,'  I  cries,  'but  I'll  produce  myselV 

"  'The  waur  for  you,'  says  he,  'for  if  ye  try 
to  overthrow  the  law  we'll  bury  ye  again, 
though  it  should  be  at  the  public  expense.' 

"Lads,  that  made  me  uneasy,  and  all  I  could 
think  to  do  was  just  to  fling  out  my  foot  at 
the  bantam. 

"  'Ye  daur  look  me  in  the  face,  Davit  Wha- 
mand,'  I  says,  'and  pretend  as  I'm  no  mysel'?' 

'"I  daur  do  so,'  he  says;  'and  not  on'y  are 
ye  no  yersel',  but  I  would  never  have  recog- 
nized ye  for  such.' 

"'So,  so,'  I  remarks;  'and  ye  refuse  to  de- 
liver up  my  coat?' 

"  'Yes,'  he  says,  'and  what's  more  I  never 
had  your  coat.' 

"Lads,  that  was  his  cautiousness  in  case  twa 
lines  of  defense  was  needed  before  the  bailie; 
but  I  said  no  more  to  him,  for  now  the  house 
began  to  fill  with  folk  wanting  to  make  sure 
of  me,  and  I  was  keen  to  convince  them  I  was 


A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL  81 

in  the  flesh  before  Davit  prejudiced  them. 
Ay,  Robbie,  you  was  one  of  them  as  convoyed 
me  to  Hender  Haggart's." 

"I  was,  Tammas,  and  when  ye  shut  the  door 
on  me  a  mask  of  folk  came  round  me  to  hear 
how  ye  had  broke  out." 

"I  daursay  that,  but  their  curiosity  didna 
interest  me  now.  Ye  mind  when  we  got  to 
Hender's  house  it  was  black  and  dark,  him 
pretending  to  be  away  to  his  bed?  Ay,  but 
the  smell  of  roasting  potatoes  belied  that.  As 
we  ken  now,  Hender  had  been  warned  that  I 
was  at  Davit's  demanding  back  the  coat,  and 
he  suspected  I  would  come  next  to  him  for 
the  waistcoat  and  the  hat." 

"Ay,  but  he  had  to  let  ye  in." 

"Ou,  I  would  have  broken  in  the  door  rather 
than  have  been  beat,  and  in  the  tail  of  the 
day  Hender  takes  the  snib  off  the  door." 

"He  pretended  he  thocht  ye  a  ghost  too,  did 
he  no?" 

"No,  no,  that's  a  made  up  story.  Hender 
and  his  wife  had  agreed  to  pretend  that,  but 
when  Hender  came  to  the  door  he  became 
stupid-like,  and  when  I  says  'Ay,  Hender,'  he 
says  'Ay,  Tammas.'  I've  heard  his  wife  raged 
at  him  about  it  after. 

"  'Nanny,'  I  says   to  the  wife,   'it's   me  back 


g2  A  TILLYLOSS  SCANDAL 

again,   and   ye'll   oblige   by   banding   ower   m: 
waistcoat  and  my  hat.' 

"I've  forgotten  to  tell  ye  that  when  I  walker 
in,    Nanny    was    standing    on    a    stool    with 
poker  in  her  hand,  the  which  she  was  using  taL 
shove  .something  on  the  top   of  the  press  outl 
of    sicht.     She    jumped    down    hurriedly,    butf 
looking  bold,  and  says  she,  'These  mice  is  very 
troublesome.' 

"Weel,  I  had  a  presentiment,  and  I  says, 
'Give  me  the  poker,  Nanny,  and  I'll  get  at  the 
mice!'  Says  she,  'Na,  na';  and  she  lifts  away 
the  stool. 

"All  this  time  Render  had  been  looking 
very  melancholy,  but  despite  that,  he  was  glad 
to  see  me  back,  and  he  says  in  a  sentimental 
way,  'You're  a  stranger,  Tammas,'  says  he. 

"  'I  am,  Hender,'  says  I,  'and  I  want  hay 
waistcoat,  also  my  hat.' 

"Hender  gave  a  confused  look  to  the  wife, 
and  says  she,  'The  waistcoat  has  been  sold  for 
rags,  and  I  gave  the  hat  to  tinklers.' 

"  'Hender  Haggart,'  says  I,  'is  this  so?' 

"Hender  a  sort  of  winked,  meaning  that  we 
could  talk  the  thing  ower  when  Nanny  wasna 
there,  but  I  couldna  wait. 

"  'I  think,  Nanny,'  says  I,  pointedly,  'as  I'll 
take  a  look  at  these  mice  of  yours.' 

"  'Ye'll  do  no  sich  thing,'  says  she. 


A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL  83 

"  'I'm  thinking,'  says  I,  'as  I'll  find  a  black 
waistcoat  on  the  top  of  that  press,  and  like- 
wise a  Sabbath  hat.' 

"Hender  couldna  help  giving  me  an  admir- 
ing look  for  my  quickness,  but  Nanny  put  her 
back  to  the  press,  and  says  she,  'Hender,  am 
I  to  be  insulted  before  your  face?' 

"Hender   was  perplexed  but  he  says  to  me, 
'Ye  hear  what  Nanny  says,  Tammas?' 
*  "  'Ay,'  I  says,  'I  hear  her.' 

"  'He  hears  ye,  Nanny,'  says   Hender. 

"  'But  I  want  my  lawful  possessions,'  I  cries. 

"Hender  hestitated  again,  but  Nanny  re- 
peats, 'Hender,  am  I  to  be  insulted  before  your 
face?' 

"  'Dinna  insult  her  before  my  face,'  Hender 
whispers  to  me. 

"  'I  offer  no  insult,'  I  says,  loud  out,  'but 
I've  come  for  my  waistcoat  and  my  hat,  and 
I  dinna  budge   till  I  get  them.' 

"  'Ye've  a  weary  time  before  ye,  then,'  says 
Nanny. 

"  'I  wonder  ye  wouldna  be  ashamed  to  keep 
a  man  frae  his  belongings,'  I  said. 

"  'Tell  him  they're  yours,  Hender,'  she  cries. 

"  'Ye  sea,  Tjiimas,'  says  Hender,  'she  says 
they're  mine.' 

"  'Ay,'  I  says  'but  ye  canna  pretend  they're 
yours  yoursel\  Hender V 


84  A  TILLYLOSS  SCANDAL 

"  'Most  certainly  ye  can,  Hender,'  says 
Nanny. 

"  'Ye  see  that,  Tammas,'  says  Hender,  tri- 
umphant. 

"  'And  how  do  ye  make  out  as  they  are 
yours?'     I  asks  him. 

"'Tell  him,'  cries  Nanny,  'as  ye  got  them  for 
helping  in  his  burial.' 

"  'Tammas,'  says  Hender,  'that's  how  I  got 
them.' 

"'Maybe,'  I  says,  'but  did  I  give  ye  them?' 

"  'Say  he  was  a  corp,'  Nanny  cries. 

"  'Meaning  no  disrespect,  Tammas,'  says 
Hender,  'ye  was  a  corp.' 

"  'How  could  I  have  been  a  corp,'  I  argues, 
'when  here  I  am  speaking  to  ye?' 

"Hender  turned  to  Nanny  for  the  answer  to 
this,  but  she  showed  him  her  back,  so  he  just 
said  in  a  weak  way,  'We'll  leave  the  minister 
to  settle  that.' 

"  'Hender,  ye  gowk,'  I  says,  'ye  ken  I'm  liv- 
ing; and  if  I'm  living  I'm  no  dead.' 

"Lads,  I  regretted  I  hadna  put  it  plain  like 
that  to  Davit  Whamand.  However,.  Hender 
hadna  the  clear-headedness  necessary  to  fol- 
low out  sich  reasoning,  and  he  replies, 

"  'No  doubt,'  he  says,  'ye  are  living  in  a 
sense,  but  no  in  another  sense.' 

"  'I  wasna  the  corp,'  I  cried. 


A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL  85 

"  'Weel,  weel,  Tammas,'  says  he,  in  a  fell 
dignified  voice,  'we  needna  quarrel  on  a  mat- 
ter of  opinion.' 

"I  was  just  beginning  to  say  as  it  was  more 
likely  to  be  the  waistcoat  we  would  fall  out 
about,  when  in  walks  Chirsty  in  the  most  flur- 
ried way. 

"  'Tammas  Haggart,'  she  pants,  'come  hame 
this  instant;  the  minister's  waiting  for  ye.' 

"Which  minister?"  I  asks. 

"  'None  other,'  she  says,  looking  proudly  at 
Nancy,  'than  the  Auld  Licht  minister.' 

"Lads,  I  shook  in  my  boots  at  that,  and  I 
says,  'I  winna  come  till  I've  got  my  hat  and 
my  waistcoat.' 

"  'What,'  screams  Chirsty,  'ye  daur  to  keep 
the  minister  waiting!'  and  she  shoved  me  clean 
out  of  the  house." 

What  the  minister  said  to  Haggart  is  not 
known  for  Tammas  never  divulged  the  con- 
versation. Those  who  remained  on  the  watch 
said  that  the  minister  looked  very  stern  when 
walking  back  to  the  manse,  and  that  Chirsty 
found  her  husband  tractable  for  the  rest  of 
the  evening.  The  most  we  ever  got  out  of 
Tammas  on  the  subject  was  that  though  he 
had  met  many  terrifying  folk  in  his  wander- 
ings, they  were  a  herd   of  sheep   compared  to 


86  A  TILLYLOSS  SCANDAL 

the  minister.  He  had  sometimes  to  be  enticed 
out  of  the  reverie  into  which  thought  of  the 
minister  plunged  him. 

"So  it  was  next  day  ye  dandered  up  to  the 
grave?"  we  would  say  craftily,  though  well 
aware  that  he  did  not  leave  the  house  till  Mon- 
day. 

"Na,  na,  not  on  the  Sabbath  day.  When  I 
wakened  in  the  morning  I  admit  I  was  terri- 
bly anxious  to  see  the  grave,  as  was  natural, 
but  thocht  of  the  minister  cowed  me.  I 
would  have  ventured  as  far  as  the  grave  if  I 
had  been  able  to  persuade  mysel'  I  wasna  go- 
ing for  pleasure,  but  pleasure  it  was,  lads.  Ay, 
there  was  no  denying  that." 

"Chirsty  was  at  the  kirk?" 

"She  was  so,  and  in  her  widow's  crapes.  I 
watched  her  frae  the  window.  Ay,  it's  no 
everybody   as   has   watched    his    own    widow." 

"Na,  and  it  had  been  an  impressive  specta- 
cle.   How  would  ye  say  she  looked,  Tammas?" 

"She  looked  proud,  Robbie." 

"She  would;  but  what  would  ye  say  she  was 
proud  of?" 

"Ah,  Robbie,  there  you  beat  me.  But  I  can 
tell  ye  what  she  was  proud  of  on  the  Monday." 

"What?" 

"Before   porridge-time    no    less    than    seven 


A   TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL  87 

women,  namely,  three  frae  Tillyloss,  twa  frae 
the  Tenements,  and  twa  frae  the  Roods,  chaps 
at  the  door  and  invites  her  to  a  dish  of  tea. 
That's  what  she  was  proud  of,  and  I  would 
like  to  hear  of  ony  other  woman  in  this  town, 
single  or  married  or  a  widow,  as  has  had 
seven  invitations  to  her  tea  in  one  day." 

"The  thing's  unparalleled;  but  of  course  it 
was  to  hear  about  you  that  they  speired  her?" 

"Oh,  of  course,  and  also  to  get  out  of  her 
what  the  minister  said  to  me.  Ay,  but  can 
ony  of  ye  tell  me  what's  the  memorablist  thing 
about  these  invitations?" 

"I  dinna  say  I  can,  but  it's  something  about 
the  grave." 

"It's  this,  Snecky,  that  before  Chirsty  had 
made  up  her  mind  whether  to  risk  seven  teas 
in  one  day,  I  had  become  a  humorist  for  life." 

"Man,  man,  oh,  losh!" 

"Ay,  and  it's  perfectly  appalling  to  consider 
as  she  was  so  excited  about  her  invitations 
that  when  I  came  down  frae  the  cemetery  she 
never  looked  me  in  the  face,  and  I  had  to 
say  to  her,  'Chirsty  Todd,  do  ye  no  see  as 
something  has  come  ower  me?'  At  that  she 
says,  T  notice  you're  making  queer  faces,  but 
I  dinna  ken  what  they  mean.'  'They  mean, 
Chirsty  Todd,'  says  I,  'as  I  am  now  a  humor- 


88  A  TILL.YLOSS   SCANDAL, 

tot/  to  which  she  replies,  'Pick  up  that  dish- 
clout.'  " 

"Keep  us  all!  But  oh,  man,  a  woman's  mind 
doesna  easily  rise  to  the  sublime." 

"It  doesna,  Pete,  and  111  tell  ye  the  reason; 
it's  because  of  women,  that  is  to  say,  richt- 
minded  women,  all  having  sich  an  adoration 
for  ministers." 

"I  dinna  contradict  ye,  Tammas,  but  surely 
that's  a  fearsome  statement.  Is  ministers  not 
nearer  the  sublime  than  other  folk?" 

"They  are,  they  are,  and  that's  just  it. 
Ministers,  ye  may  say,  it  always  half  road  up 
to  the  sublime.  Weel,  what's  the  result? 
Women  raises  their  een  to  gaze  upon  the  sub- 
lime, when  they  catch  sicht  of  the  minister, 
and  canna  look  ony  higher." 

"Sal,  Tammas,  you've  solved  it!  But  I  war- 
rant ye  couldna  have  said  that  till  ye  became  a 
humorist?" 

"No  more  than  you  could  have  said  it  yer- 
sel',  Robbie." 

"Na,  I  dinna  pretend  I  could  have  said  it, 
and  even  though  I  was  to  gang  hame  now 
and  say  it  in  your  very  words,  it  wouldna  have 
the  same  show  as  when  you  say  it." 

"It  would  not,  for  ye  would  just  blurt  it 
out,  but  them  as  watches  me  saying  a  humor- 


A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL  89 

ous  thing  notices  the  mental  struggle  before 
the  words  comes  up.  Ay,  the  mental  strug- 
gle's like  the  servant  in  grand  houses  as  puts 
his  head  in  at  the  door  and  cries,  'Leddies  and 
gentlemen,  take  your  seats,  for  the  dinner  is 
all  but  ready.'  " 

Early  on  Monday  morning  Haggart,  the  non 
humorist,  woke  for  the  last  time.  The  day  was 
moderately  fine,  but  gave  no  indication  that 
anything  remarkable  was  about  to  happen. 
Lookaboutyou,  it  is  true,  says  that  he  noticed 
a  queer  stillness  in  the  air,  and  Snecky  Hobart 
spoke  of  an  unusually  restless  night,  It  is  be- 
lieved by  some  that  the  cocks  of  Tillyloss  did 
not  crow  that  morning.  But  none  of  these 
phenomena  were  noticed  until  it  became  nat- 
ural to  search  the  memory  for  them,  and  Hag- 
gart himself  always  said  that  it  was  a  common 
day.  The  fact,  I  suppose,  is  that  an  uncom- 
mon day  was  not  needed,  for  here  was  Hag- 
gart and  there  was  the  cemetery.  Nature 
never  wastes  her  materials. 

Haggart  was  elated  no  doubt,  but  so  would 
any  man  have  been  in  the  circumstances.  For 
the  last  time  Haggart,  the  non-humorist,  put 
off  cleaning  his  boots  for  another  day.  For 
the  last  time  he  combed  his  hair  without 
studying  the  effect  in  the  piece  of  glass  that 


90  A  TTLLYLOSS   SCANDAL 

was  glued  to  the  wall.  Never  again  would  the 
Haggart  who  briskly  descended  his  outside 
stair,  forgetting  to  shut  the  door,  enter  that 
room  in  which  Chirsty  was  already  baking 
bannocks.  It  was  a  new  Haggart  who  would 
return  presently,  Haggart  of  Haggart's  Roady, 
Haggart  of  Thrums,  in  short,  Haggart  the  hu- 
morist. 

The  last  person  to  speak  to  Haggart,  the 
non-humorist,  was  James  Spens,  the  last  to  see 
him  was  Sanders  Landels.  Jamie  met  him  at 
the  foot  of  Tillyloss,  and  Sanders  passed  him 
on  the  burying-ground  brae.  Both  were  ordi- 
nary persons,  and  they  never  distinguished 
themselves  again. 

It  was  not  his  grave  that  made  Haggart  a 
humorist,  but  the  gravestone.  Two  years 
earlier  he  had  erected  a  tombstone  to  the  mem- 
ory of  his  relatives,  but  it  had  never  struck 
him  that  he  would  some  day  be  able  to  read 
his  own  fate  on  it.  The  grave  is  to  the  right 
of  the  entrance  to  the  cemetery,  almost  exactly 
under  the  favorite  seat  known  as  the  Bower, 
and  being  at  the  bend  of  the  path  it  comes 
suddenly  into  view.  Haggart  walked  eagerly 
along  the  path,  an  ordinary  man  upon  the 
whole;  then  all  at  once  ...  He  looked  ...  He 


A  TILLYLOSS   SCANDAL  91 

looked  again.     This  is  what  he  read: 

THIS    STONE    WAS    ERECTED    BY 

THOMAS   HAGGART 

TO   THE   MEMORY   OF   PETER   HAGGART, 

FATHER  OF  THE   SAID  THOMAS, 

WHO  DEPARTED  THIS  LIFE,  JAN.  7,   1825. 

ALSO  HERE  LIES  JEAN  LINN,  OR  HAGGART, 

MOTHER    OF    THE    SAID    THOMAS, 

DIED    1828. 

ALSO    JEAN   HAGGART, 

SISTER  OF  THE   SAID   THOMAS, 

DIED  1829. 

ALSO    ANDREW    HAGGART, 

BROTHER  OF  THE  SAID  THOMAS, 

DIED    1831. 

ALSO  THE  SAID  THOMAS  HIMSELF, 

DIED   1834. 

Haggart  sat  down  on  the  grave.  In  Thrums 
common  folk  were  doing  common  things — 
weaving,  feeding  the  hens,  supping  porridge, 
carting  peats. 

Haggart  sat  on  the  grave.  In  Thrums  they 
were  thinking  of  their  webs,  of  their  dinner, 
of  well-scrubbed  floors,  of  their  love  affairs. 

But  Haggart  sat  on  the  grave,  and  a  pot 
began  to  boil.  He  has  told  us  what  happened. 
Down  in  his  inside  something  was  roaring,  and 
every  moment  the  noise  increased.  He  breathed 


92  A  TILLYLOSS  SCANDAL, 

with  difficulty.  He  was  as  a  barrel  swelling 
but  held  in  by  hoops  of  iron.  He  rose  to  his 
feet,  for  his  tongue  was  hot  and  there  was  a 
hissing  in  his  throat,  and  the  iron  hoops 
pressed  more  and  more  tightly.  Suddenly  the 
hissing  ceased,  and  he  stood  as  still  as  salt. 
The  roaring  far  down  died  away.  All  at  once 
he  was  tilted  to  the  side,  the  hoops  burst,  and 
he  began  to  laugh.  The  pot  was  boiling.  Hag- 
gart  was  a  humorist. 

As  soon  as  he  realized  what  had  happened 
Haggart  returned  to  Tillyloss.  The  first  to  see 
him  was  Tibbie  Robbie,  the  first  to  speak  to 
him  was  William  Lamb,  the  first  to  notice  the 
change  was  Snecky  Hobart. 

I  only  undertook  to  tell  how  Haggart  became 
a  humorist,  and  here  therefore  my  story  ends. 
I  have  shown  how  a  lamp  was  lit  in  Thrums, 
but  not  how  it  burned.  Perhaps  if  I  followed 
Haggart  to  his  end,  as  I  should  like  to  do,  to 
the  time  when  the  lamp  flickered  and  a  room 
in  the  Tenements  grew  dark,  some  who  have 
smiled  at  an  old  man's  tale  would  leave  a  tear 
behind  them  to  a  weaver's  memory. 

"Na,"  Haggart  often  said,  "we  winna  touch 
the  gravestone.    It'll  come  in  handy  some  day." 

His  humor,  appetizing  from  the  first,  ripened 
with  the  years.     For  a  time  this  was  his  com- 


A  TILLYLOSS  SCANDAL.  93 

merit  on  the  tombstone — : 

"Lads,  lads,  what  a  do  we're  preparing  for 
posterity." 

Later  in  his  life  he  said, 

"It's  almost  cruel  to  cheat  future  generations 
in  this  way." 

His  hair  was  white  before  he  said, 

"I  dinna  ken  but  what  I  should  do  the  honest 
thing,  and  have  the  date  rubbed  out." 

And  when  there  was  a  squeal  in  his  voice,  he 
could  add, 

"No  that  it  much  matters." 


